


I love you, just like this.

by yall_this_aint_it



Category: K-pop, TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Aged Up, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Beomgyu and Soobin are sweethearts, Boyfriends, Domestic Boyfriends, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gen, Intimacy, Kissing, M/M, Very fluffy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-19 15:00:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22612747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yall_this_aint_it/pseuds/yall_this_aint_it
Summary: This is a collection of short drabbles following Soogyu, because there just aren't enough works for them in this fandom.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Choi Soobin, Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 25
Kudos: 128





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [honeyteas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyteas/gifts), [LelianaMaethiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LelianaMaethiel/gifts).



Gentle.

That was the word around which the principles of Beomgyu's and Soobin's relationship were established.

There was gentleness in Beomgyu's touch when he was lying next to Soobin, both of them half-asleep, lazily tracing a line from the hollow of his collarbone to the tip of his chin and back again. It felt almost ticklish, but Soobin didn't tell him to stop.

Beomgyu's mother had been a germophobic woman, instilling the hate of dirt and grime into Beomgyu to the extent that he still religiously showers at exactly ten every day. Afterward, Soobin dries his hair with their hairdryer, and there is gentleness in the way he ruffles it, in the way he turns Beomgyu's head "A little bit to this side," to see if the hair there is still damp.

Their kisses are also, you guessed it, gentle. They are usually just slow; soft presses, over and over, of one's mouth against the other, where cheeks are cupped, eye fluttering shut. Sometimes, if they want to, the kisses turn deeper, more passionate, where fistfuls of shirts are clenched and bodies pressed together and lips bruised.

-  
Beomgyu gets off work before Soobin does, and in the empty house, his favorite pastime is watching TV, flicking through channels as he waits for Soobin to come back.

Soobin enters the house, taking off his shoes, as he guesses where Beomgyu might be. The sounds of television as he approaches the living room usually answer the question.

Soobin opens the door to a Beomgyu draped over the couch, feet not reaching the far end, huddled up in a blanket.

At the sound, Beomgyu sits up, a big smile appearing on his face when he sees Soobin.

After coming home from work, people have different ways to relax. Some take long, hot showers, others eat while scrolling through their phone, and some sleep. For Soobin, his favorite way is seeing that smile on Beomgyu; wearing his most worn-out clothes, and just curling up next to him, comfortable in each other's presence. Beomgyu likes to rest his head on Soobin's shoulder when they are together, and that's how they stay for maybe half an hour, neither wanting to break contact.


	2. Chapter 2

One of the unspoken rules in their relationship is if the other doesn't want to do something, they won't be pestered into changing their mind unless it's unreasonable. However, compromises can be reached.

For example, if Beomgyu is irritable, and doesn't want to go to a previously agreed date, Soobin does not push him but suggests they go later in the week.

Another one is that after an argument, they'll sleep in the same bed, albeit at a distance from each other.

This was a mutual agreement; when a few years ago, they had quarreled about something neither of them now remembers, but as a result of which Soobin had declared that he would spend the night sleeping on the pull-out couch in their room.

Beomgyu dried his hair himself that night.

In the middle of the night, when Soobin had been sure Beomgyu had dropped off, he had heard him quietly ask, through the semi-darkness, "Are you awake?" 

Soobin had thought long about if he should answer, and had decided on a short, "Yes."

"Okay."

Silence.

"Why are you asking?"

"Because…" Beomgyu had sighed, turning to face him, "I can't sleep either."

"Close your eyes, maybe?" Soobin had aimed to sound sarcastic, but it mostly sounded dim-witted.

"I've tried that." Beomgyu had said, "And counting sheep. And breathing weirdly."

"What am I supposed to do about it?"

Beomgyu had considered his answer carefully, saying honestly, and just a tiny bit hopefully, "Come sleep with me?"

Soobin had choked on air, sitting up and coughing suddenly. Beomgyu had sat up too, asking, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine-" Soobin had cleared his throat, "Just-just go to sleep."

He'd not been able to see very well, but he could somehow feel Beomgyu's what-do-you-think-I've-been-trying-to-do face.

"I'm angry at you," Soobin said, almost childishly, as if that explained his behavior, lying back down.

Beomgyu lay down too, turning, and if Soobin hadn't been straining his ears he wouldn't have heard the almost inaudible, "I'm sorry." 

A few minutes later, Soobin heard near-silent crying.

He was conflicted. If he went to comfort him, that would mean he would have to acknowledge that he had heard it, when it was obvious Beomgyu didn't want him to. But he had caused those tears, he had caused Beomgyu to cry, he was such a terrible person, such a terrible lover, and-

Soobin got up quietly, softly padded over to the bed, and sat down on it.

Feeling the weight shift, Beomgyu stopped crying, lying abnormally still under his blanket, back facing Soobin.

"Beomgyu, I-"

"I'm sorry."

No. Soobin heart clenched painfully at how broken it sounded. Any anger present melted away, to make way for regret and shame.

"I'm sorry too." And after a tense moment, "I didn't mean to make you cry."

Beomgyu moved, just a little bit, but Soobin saw what he meant, and he lifted the blanket, reaching out for Beomgyu, who turned and pressed his face in his chest.

They lay there in silence until Soobin felt the front of his shirt starting to feel damp.

"No, no, no," Soobin whispered into his hair, "No, don't cry, sweetheart. I'm sorry. Please, I'm sorry,"

Beomgyu started to cry harder, body shaking with sobs, but he made no move to escape Soobin's hold, so Soobin held him tighter, rocking him gently.

"I didn't mean to, Gyu, no...I'm so stupid. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you...I didn't see what I was doing, no, don't..."

Beomgyu wrapped his own arms around Soobin, taking nearly five whole minutes to cry himself out.

This was where Soobin realized the magnitude of what he had done, with a pang of guilt. Blinded by his ego, he had become angry for no reason, not seeing the pain he had been causing Beomgyu. Never before had Soobin hated himself as much as at that moment.

This was Beomgyu. This was the boy he loved, the boy who had given him his heart, sincere and vulnerable, trusting him to take care of it. And this is how he had responded, by breaking that trust.

And yet (Soobin felt sick to the stomach), Beomgyu had not hesitated for even a second before forgiving him after he had apologized. He had not thought twice before moving into his arms. He had upset Beomgyu to tears, but Beomgyu's faith in him had not wavered, not once.

He realized another thing, stomach sinking further, he and Beomgyu were best friends. A best friend wouldn't do this. He was supposed to comfort Beomgyu. By abandoning him like this, with no one to lean on...what had he been thinking?

Wasn't, Soobin thought, wasn't this a form of traumatic bonding? Isn't this what abusers do, cause someone pain and comfort them later to get forgiven?

Was he an abuser? Did he deserve Beomgyu's love? Beomgyu didn't deserve to have to turn to someone like him for comfort. 

When Soobin dared to ask, "Hey, Gyu?", he got no answer. Beomgyu's steady breathing indicated he was asleep.

"I'm sorry." Soobin whispered, "I love you."

"S'okay," Beomgyu replied like he usually did while sleeping, pronunciation slurred, "Love you too." 

~

Like most couples, they have their fair share of fights as well, but they are usually short because it pains them to be angry at one another. They might try to be angry and sulk, but soon enough they'll realize they miss being with the other too much to keep being distant.

Sometimes, if Soobin feels annoyed, Beomgyu just gives him space, but when later Soobin asks if he could sit with him, Beomgyu smiles and waves him over.


	3. Chapter 3

Beomgyu still recalls the day Toto had died. He found out when he went to feed him in the early morning, slightly groggy after waking up. 

At first, the realization didn't hit. He was confused and stood there for a few minutes, but his heart refused to accept that his pet was now a cold lump of still feathers. 

His brain had shut down, refusing to accept reality. This couldn't be happening. 

Automatically, his feet turned, walking him back to bed. Beomgyu just clambered in next to Soobin, and lay down, resting his head against the taller's chest. His mind was empty, and the monotonic rhythm of the heart beating against his ear soon lulled him back off to sleep. 

-  
He was in a white room, with a birdcage. Swinging inside was Toto.

"You're here!" Toto screeched happily.

Beomgyu was stunned. Toto usually spoke only in short bursts, and never this fluently. But he crossed over to the cage, opening it, and letting the bird hop onto his arm. 

"Give me a kiss?" The parrot asked, again in surprisingly fluent Korean.

Beomgyu gave him one, a brush of his lips against its beak. 

"You were a good owner," The parrot said, extending a wing as though patting Beomgyu on the shoulder, "Thank you for taking care of me." 

"It was a pleasure. But you're not-you're not going, are you?" 

"Where would I go?" The parrot shook his head, "I'll always exist in your memories. I'll live in a corner of your heart. But I need to say goodbye now." 

"No-" Beomgyu's voice took on a pleading tone, "Please-no-just-don't-" 

But the parrot kept shaking his head, as though Beomgyu were a child making futile demands.

"I need to go. If I could, I would live with you forever, but everything needs to leave at some point." 

And somehow Beomgyu understood.

"I'll miss you. I'll miss you so much." Tears burned in Beomgyu's eyes.

"I'll miss you too." The parrot said, "But try not to get too sad, okay? Besides, we'll only be separated for a short time. I'll be in your heart, always." 

"Okay-" The tears started falling down Beomgyu's cheeks, "What-what should I tell Soobin?" 

"Tell him I liked him. Give him my thanks for having fed me when you were away. And tell him I'm sorry for leaving without saying goodbye to him." 

Beomgyu nodded, lips pressed together. 

"I'm glad I spent my life with you." It unfurled its wings, "I hope you can smile despite my departure." 

It took flight, and hovered above its cage, saying, "Goodbye!" 

And it flew off after Beomgyu waved, after which the boy broke down crying.  
-

"...Gyu!...Wake up..."

A familiar voice broke through the barriers of sleep and consciousness, forcing Beomgyu to follow it to the surface.

"Gyu, get up, please..." 

Beomgyu was, at first, irritated. Someone was shaking his arm. But he realized he had something important to say as well.

"Bin-ah," He said out-of-the-blue, eyes closed, voice cracking, (had he been crying?), "Toto-Toto said that...he liked you, and he said thanks for-for feeding him, but he's..." Beomgyu swallowed a sudden pain in his chest down, "He's sorry he couldn't...say goodbye," 

There was no reply, until Soobin lay down next to him, gently asking, "Do you want to go to work?" 

"No." 

"Me neither." And Soobin sounded so sad Beomgyu knew that he must-he must know that Toto…

"Hold me," Beomgyu whispered brokenly, turning into the warm person next to him, desperate for comfort, "Please…" 

And so they lay there, limbs curled around one another, as though making a cage to keep out the grief that still found ways to come in, settling in the deepest corner of their hearts, hiding in the farthest corner of their minds. 

Refusing Soobin's offers to bring him breakfast in bed, Beomgyu didn't get out of the cocoon he had formed with the sheets till Soobin forced him to get up, go wash his face and change his clothes.

In the bathroom mirror, his eyes were puffy, red, swollen from crying. Beomgyu was so pale, he convinced himself while brushing his teeth that he was terminally ill and would die and get to see Toto. He said this to Soobin the second he came out, and the older had pushed him back into bed to take his temperature, a high 103* Fahrenheit. 

Then Soobin had made him soup, fussing over Beomgyu to the extent the younger almost told him to leave him alone, until Beomgyu realized that this was Soobin's way of numbing the pain.

After being force-fed a bowl of soup, salty crackers, and a glass of water, Beomgyu lay back, Soobin placing cold, vinegar-soaked towels on his forehead.

"I want to give him a funeral," Beomgyu said, staring into the ceiling. 

Soobin stared at him, trying to decide whether or not it was the fever speaking.

"I'm serious." Beomgyu turned his eyes on Soobin, face unsmiling and grim, "I want to do it." 

"Your temperature's much too high to be doing anything," Soobin said softly, neither objecting or approving of the notion, just reminding him of the complications.

"I feel well enough for that." 

"Are you sure? You can put it off-" 

"I need to do it today." And there it was again, that somber look in his eyes as he stared into Soobin's, "He was my friend, he-Toto was…" 

"All right," Soobin stroked his hair, not wanting to agitate the boy further, "What do you want to do?"

-  
A few hours later, he and Beomgyu were standing outside, with three of their closest friends. Everyone was quiet, even the usually loud Hueningkai, who was clutching Taehyun's arm for support. 

A very pretty box, made out of paper and cardboard, lay in a circle of pink and yellow flowers in front of them.

"Do you want to say something?" Taehyun asked Beomgyu.

Beomgyu's grip on Soobin's hand tightened. 

"Yes."

He exhaled, blinking away tears.

"Toto... I remember when I brought you home from that shop, that day around… years ago. At first, you had hated being separated from your friends, but you warmed up to me eventually." He paused, clearing his throat, "You were my good friend, and I won't-I won't forget your companionship. I hope that you...that you're in a better place now." 

"I want to say something too," Taehyun said delicately, "Remember when I used to come over?" He asked the box, "I didn't like birds before, but I thought of you as my little brother. I even called you Choi Toto once or twice. Hobak will miss you too when she learns about this. Goodbye, Toto." 

There were no more words left to say. Tears glistened in everyone's eyes, and Yeonjun caught Beomgyu's eye, nodding. He stepped forward and set the edge of the box alight. 

Beomgyu turned away, resting his head on Soobin's shoulder. 

They stayed there till there was nothing left but ashes, which, per Beomgyu's instruction, were left to the wind, so Toto could take flight one last time.  
\-   
Beomgyu almost collapsed after everyone had left, like all the strength in his body had suddenly left him. Soobin had had to carry him back to bed, piling blankets on top of his shivering body, peeling off the layers of clothes they had donned for the funeral outside. 

Beomgyu felt like his whole body was burning, he wanted to rip off the blankets, but Soobin held him down. Beomgyu resisted futilely, but his tired body was no match for Soobin's, and eventually accepted defeat, closing his eyes and lying back, falling into a fitful sleep, broken by periods of consciousness. 

-  
He woke up to Soobin gone, and in a state of panic started to get out of the bed, struggling to untangle himself from the blankets, angry tears filling his eyes. Eventually, he had succeeded, stumbling outside to find Soobin watching television.

Soobin had forced him back into bed, reassuring him that he was right here, no, he wasn't going to leave him, yes, he still loved him. Beomgyu fell asleep holding his hand, waking up maybe ten minutes later when Soobin said he would get him a sleeping pill.

He had pleaded with him not to go, and Soobin had told him it was just a short walk to the medicine cupboard, promising Beomgyu he would be back before the latter could count to twenty-five.

Soobin returned on nineteen, holding a glass of water and a bottle of tablets. He sat with him while he downed it, holding his hand and talking about everything and nothing till Beomgyu fell fast asleep. 

-  
Beomgyu woke up in the early hours of the morning, body pressed against Soobin's. He felt shivery and was covered in sweat. His fever had broken, leaving him slightly weak, but otherwise fine. He shifted out of Soobin's hold, silently getting up so as not to rouse him.

After taking a shower and changing his clothes, he searched for the hairdryer in darkness, knowing Soobin would riot if he went to sleep with wet hair. 

He found it by feel in a drawer in their cupboard and was about to sneak out of the room to use it when the bedside lamp turned on, and Soobin sat up, rubbing his eyes, asking sleepily, "Where are you going?" 

Beomgyu jumped, as though he had been caught in the act of doing something illegal. 

"Just drying my hair." He held up the hairdryer as proof, and Soobin blinked blearily at it, "I didn't want to wake you, so I thought…" 

"Come here," Soobin yawned, stretching. Beomgyu plugged it in and handed it to him, sitting down where he always did, between the older's parted legs. 

"Why did you take a shower at this time?" Soobin asked, switching it on. 

"My fever broke." Beomgyu said, and Soobin touched his forehead to check, "I didn't take one earlier, so." 

"How do you feel?" 

"Fine." He shivered involuntarily when the hot air blew on his ear, "Maybe a little cold." 

Soobin carded his fingers through his hair, combing out any tangles, "Do you want me to make you something?" 

"No, I'm not hungry." 

"Are you sure?" Soobin's fingers turned Beomgyu's head to the side, "I don't mind." 

"I'd rather sleep. I still feel tired." 

"If you say so," Soobin said, ruffling the hair at the back to check if it was still damp.

When Soobin pronounced his hair dry, Beomgyu returned the hairdryer to the drawer and lay back in Soobin's waiting arms. The lamp was switched off, and Beomgyu fell back to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Some couples show love by buying each other gifts, whether expensive or cheap. Others prefer to travel, still others prefer to go on dates. 

In the start, Soobin and Beomgyu had struggled with this concept. They went on trips, dates, bought each other presents, but it somehow didn't carry that extra emotional weight for them, like this was something special. Everything was special, so nothing was.

Once, Soobin had bought Beomgyu a bouquet of pretty flowers he didn't know the names of, beautiful blues, pinks, and purples, wrapped with a red ribbon. He had given them to him, with the awkward air of someone not used to showing affection this way.

Beomgyu had tilted his head to the side, and regarded him with an amused smile, "What's this?" 

"You mentioned you liked flowers." 

"I do. But…" Beomgyu looked at the flowers in the way a mother looks at a bad drawing made by her child, which she nevertheless accepts graciously, "I didn't mean it like this." 

"What?" 

"I meant plants, Soobin. You know flowers that grow in soil, that you care for? Those types." 

"I don't see the difference?" 

"Listen, these flowers will wither in two, maybe three days, yes? And that doesn't make sense at all, because you gave me these flowers as a present, but why give a present that'll get ruined in such a short time?" 

"I'll buy you more when that happens," Soobin had defended himself, but Beomgyu shook his head. 

"No. Presents should represent longevity, which is our hope for us, right? Or do you...not feel the same way?" 

"Of course I do." Soobin had huffed.

"Then do me a favor, and next time you want to buy me something, how about flower pots? And soil? We can plant flowers that'll last much longer than these." He waved a hand at the bouquet. 

"How big?" 

"As big as your hands," Beomgyu said, dismissing the idea as he set the bouquet away to kiss Soobin.

-  
The very next day, Soobin had shown up, carrying a box of flower pots, a bag with paints and brushes, and a container filled with soil.

"I-um-" He rubbed his arm after placing them in front of Beomgyu, who had stopped reading in surprise, "I bought you stuff." 

The dazzling smile Beomgyu gave him then made his heart swell up painfully.

"Shall we paint them right now?" 

"Do you have time?" 

"I'll always have time for things like this." 

So ten minutes later, wearing their oldest kitchen aprons, Beomgyu and Soobin were painting flowers pots and laughing at each other's art.

"Shall we paint one together?" Beomgyu had asked, already reaching for the box.

They painted the pot Beomgyu chose with asymmetrical patterns and oddly colored flowers, and as a final touch, Soobin styled his and Beomgyu's names on it, around which Beomgyu painted a heart. 

When they had finished, (leaving one pot untouched, because Beomgyu had said it would contrast nicely), they were sprinkled in stray drops of paint, which hadn't missed their faces or hair. Seeing Soobin laugh at himself when he pointed it out, Beomgyu felt like they had never been happier. 

Some people might have to put in effort to feel the same, so Beomgyu was thankful he could feel such an enormous amount of love just by sitting together, doing something as trivial as painting in the comfort of their own home. 

He said so to Soobin, who seemed just as captivated by Beomgyu's paint-dotted face as Beomgyu was with Soobin's. Beomgyu couldn't resist leaning forward to kiss him, just a tiny peck, before saying they should clean up the mess they'd made.  
-  
Later that night, while Soobin was drying his hair, Beomgyu excitedly told him about everything they could plant. Soobin had tactfully not bought seeds, lacking any experience in gardening, so Beomgyu suggested that they go out tomorrow to get some. 

Soobin said he would check if he was free, but Beomgyu knew that he would always have time for him.  
-  
It was a Saturday, so the streets were more crowded, with families trying to make the most of their weekend, with students going on dates during the little free time they had, with people just out to do some shopping, and with couples like them, carefree and happy in their own little bubble.

Having insisted they walk, Beomgyu skipped ahead of Soobin, leading him on towards a shop with a sign saying, "Minyoung's gardening store, offers all kinds of gardening help and materials, open from Monday to Saturday." It was half-hidden between a bar and a grocery store, the kind of place everyone sees but doesn't notice. 

"Mom used to take me here," He said as an explanation, nodding towards it, "I wonder if she remembers me…"  
Before Soobin could ask any more, Beomgyu had opened the door and stepped into the shop, and he followed.

Green. Green. Everywhere he looked, there was an overwhelming amount of green. 

The flowers and plants placed on every available surface and hanging from the ceiling gave off such a strong smell it made Soobin's eyes water. As the door shut behind him, it took him a minute to place where Beomgyu was, walking further ahead to a counter, behind which a girl stood, talking to someone on her phone.

"Yes, we'll have the order completed by Wednesday, Ma'am, don't worry on that regard. If you want, you may come down to the shop to check progress...yes, alright." 

There was a sudden silence, as the call disconnected, which Beomgyu broke by saying, "Hello, Minyoung." 

"Hel-" She began greeting, then stopped, staring at him with disbelief, "Beomgyu Oppa, is it really you?" She came around the counter, pulling him into a hug, "It's been so long since we last met, what brings you here?" 

Soobin walked up to stand beside Beomgyu, feeling a twinge of annoyance. Minyoung was pretty, but she wasn't that pretty, he decided. And she definitely wasn't Beomgyu's type.

"Oh, who's this?" She asked, looking at Soobin. 

"That's Soobin, Minyoung. I came to buy flower seeds." 

"Which kind?"

"Peonies, and marigolds." 

"I'll get them, wait." 

She disappeared into a storeroom beyond the counter, muttering to herself, "Peonies...marigolds..." 

"I don't like her. " Soobin said to Beomgyu, who had been examining a plant hanging by his head.

"What? Why?" Beomgyu turned to him.

Soobin shrugged, crossing his arms. "I don't like how she looked at you."

Beomgyu blinked. 

"She's my friend, Soobin, I'm sure you might-" 

"Found them!" Came Minyoung's voice, a few seconds before the girl appeared, holding numerous packets.

Beomgyu moved to the counter, casting a worried look at Soobin, and held a quiet discussion with the girl, which Soobin felt terribly left out of, but he supposed that was because he didn't know the first thing about growing plants. 

After what seemed like an excruciatingly long amount of time, Beomgyu paid her, shook her hand, thanked her for her help, and turned to leave, holding the small bag Minyoung had put the packets in.

"Come back soon!" Minyoung called as they stepped over the threshold.

"What was all that about?" Soobin whispered jealously to Beomgyu.

"Can this wait till we get home?" Beomgyu asked, earning a furtive nod, "Then let's talk at home." 

-  
Soobin just let Beomgyu put the bag on the table, before pulling him into the living room. Beomgyu turned around to close the door, but Soobin pushed him against it, trapping him between the wood and his own body, and crashed his lips down onto Beomgyu's slightly parted ones.

Beomgyu made some sort of sound in surprise, but Soobin continued kissing him with unrestrained wildness, tangling his fingers in his hair, his lips pressing into the Beomgyu's with greedy desire.

Beomgyu kissed him back, gripping his collar, but when one of Soobin's hands strayed to the hem of his shirt, he broke the kiss, turning his head away to whisper a "No," before Soobin could recapture his lips.

Panting, Soobin closed his eyes as he rested his forehead against the cool wood of the door, blood pulsing hotly through his body. He glanced down to see Beomgyu looking at him, concern and unease evident in his gaze. 

"Soobin… are you-" 

"I'm fine." He took a deep breath, moving away from the door, "I just needed to do that."

"Okay," Beomgyu said, moving past him to sit on the couch and kick his shoes off, "What did you want to say earlier?" 

"I…" Soobin fidgeted anxiously, "Who was she?" 

"A friend, Soobin. Her mother and mine were friends. We used to play together as children." 

"Then why did she hug you?" Soobin sat down gingerly, at a distance.

"Because we're close?" Beomgyu drew his legs up.

"Close," Soobin repeated, staring into the cushions, trying to not pout.

"Are...are you jealous?" Beomgyu asked incredulously.

"So what if I am?" 

Beomgyu closed his eyes like this conversation was exhausting him.

"Soobin." No reply. "Look at me." Soobin didn't. 

The next thing he knew, Beomgyu's warm hands were cupping his face, raising his eyes to his.

"Soobin," Beomgyu spoke clearly, "Do you not trust me?" 

"I do," 

"Then trust me when I say that I do not want to pursue a romantic relationship with anyone other than you." 

"Then why-" 

"Hugging is how friends meet each other! When Yeonjun hugs you, or when Hueningkai rubs your stomach, does that mean they want to date you?" 

"...no." 

"Exactly. No. Then why are Minyoung's hugs any different?" 

"Because...because I don't know what her intentions are? What if she's madly in love with you?"

"That would make no difference, Bin-ah, because I'm madly in love with you."

Soobin was silent before admitting, "I love you too." 

"And anyway, whatever friendships I form, or whoever my friends are, that doesn't concern you. When two people start dating, what's the most important component to ensure a good relationship?" 

"Love." Beomgyu gave him a look, so he continued, "And trust."

"So why are you so insecure about us, Soobin?" 

Soobin gave it thought, "I'm sorry. I was just...jealous, I think."

"Don't be jealous anymore, okay?" 

"Okay. Kiss?" 

Beomgyu gave him one, and said, "Let's go change out of these clothes."  
-  
The paint on the pots had dried, but Beomgyu said they should only add the soil today, not plant the seeds, for some reason Soobin didn't try to understand. 

After placing the pots on the windowsills around the house, and "Lightly sprinkling them," with water, Beomgyu and Soobin sat down to watch TV. They stayed like that for two hours, watching their favorite reality shows. It was only when Soobin stopped stroking Beomgyu's hair to ask him what he wanted to eat, that they ordered Chinese, and ate an early dinner. 

For some reason, they both felt sleepy before nine, meaning Beomgyu took his shower earlier that day. While Soobin dried his hair, Beomgyu told him about how they needed to buy more shampoo and conditioner as they were running out, Beomgyu said he wanted to buy a timer because repeatedly checking the clock while baking was starting to get boring. Soobin added comments where needed, offering suggestions where he needed to.

Before long, they were curled up under the blankets, asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

For as long as he can remember, Soobin has kept journals, or diaries if you will. Eight thick notebooks, filled with his neat handwriting over the years, are kept in a box on a shelf.  
  
Beomgyu doesn't trespass over the other's boundaries, knowing if there's something Soobin wants to tell him, he will do so.  
Until one day, when they had a holiday, and were bored to death, lounging on the living room couch, the conversation took a turn, and Soobin asked him if he could read him his old entries.  
  
"How old?" Beomgyu had asked, zoned out.  
  
Soobin had blushed, "Since the first time we met,"  
  
Beomgyu had blinked at him, before grinning, "You wrote all that down?"  
  
"Every day. Mostly."  
  
"But do you really want to?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then sure."  
  
Soobin got up and left, depriving Beomgyu of his legs as a pillow, before reappearing, holding one of the diaries.  
  
"Let's see," He said, sitting back down, opening it, "This is from…five years ago, when I had just auditioned for the vocalist part."  
  
"Can I read?" Beomgyu asked.  
  
Soobin nodded eyes not leaving the pages as he flicked through them.  
  
"Hold on, it's…yes, this is it."  
  
And putting their heads together, Beomgyu's fingers stroking his nape, they began reading.  
  
'24 April 2017  
Dear diary, today went fairly well. I met the other people with whom I'm going to be making the song, "Night sky". I've already started on the lyrics, but they're very sad, and I hope they don't find too much fault in it. They seem like good people, kind.  
  
25 April 2017  
Today was fun. We got to the chorus, and the song sounds pretty good. I especially like this one guy, Choi Beomgyu. He bought us coffee and didn't judge me to death when I said I wanted almond milk. He's pretty. I think I heard from someone that he's a choreographer as well. His fashion sense is pretty good. And I think his ear piercings are cool too.  
Oops, I'm ranting. But isn't that what diaries are for?  
Tomorrow reminder: Buy groceries, and buy a bouquet for that blind date you have.  
("Yeonjun Hyung set me up," Soobin said, in response to Beomgyu's quizzical look.)  
  
26 April 2017  
Dear diary- ("Do we need to read each one? I want to skip to the fun parts!" Beomgyu whined, so Soobin flicked forward,)  
  
04 September 2017  
Diary, you know that boy I once knew, Choi Beomgyu? Guess what? We're working together again, only this time he's the producer, and I'm the vocalist. And another thing! He remembered my preference for Almond milk! I feel so happy.  
I hope we can become friends.  
("I remember that happening!")  
  
05 September 2017  
Noooooo…  
Hey diary, I'm writing this during our break, because I have something important to tell you. Beomgyu complimented my singing! He said my falsetto was beautiful, hehe. And when I said thank you, he called me cute! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!  
("Did nobody give you compliments at all?" Beomgyu asked.)  
  
06 September 2017  
Yeonjun Hyung is dating that noona from his work! I'm so happy, diary! Everyone wanted them to date, even me! They look cute together.  
Beomgyu told me that he liked my voice again! And he bought me more Almond milk! We talked later, after finishing recording, and he said he likes Inception, did you know? He told me we should go watch a movie sometime!  
("I was totally hitting on you," Beomgyu shook his head, "You were so dense…)  
  
07 September 2017  
Beomgyu asked for my help with the song! I said yes, of course, but what if I mess up? I don't want to let him down, though. And later he said maybe we could go watch a movie next week if I was free. I told him I would check, but I'm so nervous! Did he ask me out on a date? Or is it just friendship he wants? I'm so confused!  
  
("I want to skip to the date," Beomgyu said, "I might cry of frustration if I need to read this whole thing.)  
  
17 September 2017  
Today's the day! Wish me luck!  
I went to the movies with Beomgyu, and he's so cute! We watched Thor: Ragnarok, and he told me I could hold his hand if he wanted! Diary, I think I might have a crush on him. But how can I not? He gave me his number, and I gave him mine. I want to text him, but would that seem too eager? I don't know…  
("Skip," Beomgyu groaned, "I don't know what went through your mind, but this is too painful to read.")  
  
20 October 2017  
I finished the song for the debut album of the group, and I'm pretty proud of it. Beomgyu asked if I could grab lunch with him, so how could I refuse? We went to that restaurant I told you about earlier!  
We had a minor squabble over who should pay, but eventually, we split it half-half. Beomgyu sulked the whole way back, so I told him the next time we would eat together, he could pay.  
And he smirked, asking, "Next time?"  
I was so embarrassed! Did I indirectly ask him out? But he let it drop, thank goodness, so I didn't have to suffer for long.  
I don't know… I do want to ask him out, but I don't know how to do it. What is he doesn't feel the same way?

(Beomgyu rolled his eyes, hard.)

I texted him when I got home, asking him if he wanted to go drinking. He hasn't replied yet, TT.  
(Soobin skipped ahead, his impatience getting the best of him as well.)

25 October 2017  
Beomgyu called to ask if we were still on. Diary, I have a bad feeling about going to drink with him. I don't know why…  
(12:09) It went pretty well overall. He gets so cute when he drinks! He squeezed my arm! I like it. A lot. Also, his accent changes to his Daegu one.  
But, but, but.  
I had to take him home, partly because he was so drunk I couldn't bear to leave him to his own devices, and partly because I don't know where he lives.  
What if he thinks I'm a creepy guy trying to take advantage of him? But I'm not! I would never!  
He almost pulled me into bed with him, but I managed to shake him off. Then guess what? He starts to blackmail me. He's all, "I thought you were my friend!" and "I'm scared of the dark,"  
I told him I would stay with him and was fully prepared to make a run for it, but he asked me to hold his hand. I couldn't say no, you know? And he said, "Your arm's so warm. Mmm. You're soooo warm. Don't go away, please…"  
And then he passed out.  
I don't know how I managed to get my hand back, but I did, and now here I am, banished to my sofa, in my own house.  
("You could've slept next to me," Beomgyu said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and Soobin said, "And give you a heart attack when you woke up? I don't think so.")

14 November 2017  
Diary, today Beomgyu showed me the choreography to this new song he made for a group. His aura is very...alluring and powerful.

We went to get coffee again at that shop we always go to, and then we talked. I don't remember half the conversation. Somehow, words come out so easily when it's him I'm talking to. I don't get why I'm so comfortable…

Gasp! Could this be love?

29 November 2017  
It's like there's this weird feeling bursting in my chest all the time, diary. I write songs for groups, most of which are about love, but I never thought this sensation could exist. I mean, his smile is so bright, and the way his eyes light up…

Ahh, I'm just venting again. But I need to confess soon, or that feeling might burst, like a bubble but a hundred times more painful. ("Quite the poet, aren't you?")

But I can't! What if he doesn't even like boys? What if I've been misjudging his intentions the whole time? What if he just wants to be friends and nothing more?

I do want to get closer to him, but what if I end up destroying our beautiful friendship? I'm so confused.

08 December 2017  
I finished recording today, and again, spent time with Beomgyu. I think he seems more frustrated, for some reason, like he's waiting for something? I asked him about it and he just smiled???

("No," Soobin groaned, covering his face, "You read it yourself, I can't do this anymore,")  
Beomgyu skimmed through the pages, reading out loud:

17 December 2017

Dear diary, (Beomgyu said in a loud voice, enjoying watching Soobin squirm,) today Beomgyu asked if we could go to the arcade. It's a holiday, but since Yeonjun Hyung is so caught up with his girlfriend, I have no friends to spend time with. I had planned to just stay at home, but being with Beomgyu is a much better idea.

We went to the new arcade that opened and played a few games. Beomgyu's pretty good at those…  
There was one moment, though, when I won, I turned to see Beomgyu standing so close to me that I thought he would kiss me right there and then. But then it vanished, and he continued being like nothing happened.

Or maybe it didn't matter to him, though. I guess he doesn't like me the same way.

("I was going to kiss you," Beomgyu laughed, "I brought you there to confess, but seeing how scared you looked when I tried, I thought I shouldn't say anything.")

25 December 2017

It snowed yesterday. What a beautiful coincidence.

Beomgyu left for Daegu to spend Christmas with his family, and I miss him. Yeonjun Hyung came over with his girlfriend yesterday, and I spent Christmas eve with them. I think they just wanted to make sure I didn't spend Christmas alone, but I'm still thankful.

Mom called to say she missed me, and to ask how my year went. Honestly, it's kind of hard to talk to her only once in a blue moon, but we know it's best for both of us.

I wonder when Beomgyu'll come back. He might spend New Year's Eve with his family, so is it selfish for me to hope he'll come back to spend it with me? I think so.

I feel lonely again.

29 December 2017

Diary, lately I've been cooped up at home. Yeonjun Hyung dropped by to check on me, and he forced me to change clothes for the first time since Christmas Eve.  
I'm trying to finish the songs, but my brain seems so tired. I haven't drunk almond milk in a while. I want to, but that means I'll have to get up from bed.

I miss him.

("It was that bad?" Beomgyu asked gently. Soobin nodded.)

30 Dec 2017

Yeonjun Hyung stopped by again. He literally pushed me into the bathroom to take a shower. I feel better now. He ordered me food, forced me to do laundry, and watched as I ate. I don't know why he feels obligated to watch over me, I'm not a child.

I meant to write New Year's resolutions, but I don't feel like it. Still, there's one thing I want to accomplish.

-Confess to Beomgyu.

31 Dec/1 Jan 2018

I'm melting.

("Wait, I want to see this," Soobin leaned forward to get a closer look at the diary.)

I want to cry and laugh at the same time, diary.

Let me tell you this from the start, ah, my hands are shaking.

I was watching TV in the evening when suddenly, my phone dinged. There was a single message from Beomgyu, "I'm outside!" Not daring to believe it, I opened the door to a mound of clothing holding a weirdly large nylon bag, that greeted me, "Hi!"

It was a painfully familiar Beomgyu. I invited him in, and waited till he took off the layers of clothes he wore to say, "Let's go look at fireworks!"

When I asked him why he wasn't with his family, he said he spent enough time with them as is, and wanted to spend this time with me.

I didn't know what to make of that, so I just got dressed. We went out, bundled up against the cold, only our faces exposed to the cold air.

Beomgyu stopped at a convenience store to buy snacks, and a few bottles of water, which he put in his bag. We went to a place Beomgyu said he had discovered had the best view in the whole city. Guess where?

("gUeSs wHeRe?" Beomgyu repeated.)

On the roof of an abandoned building.

I asked Beomgyu why there specifically, and he said something about there being no obstructions to the sky. I didn't care. Even if he asked me to follow him to hell, I would go.

What he didn't mention, conveniently, was that we needed to break into the building to get to the top. I never thought of him as the delinquent type, but it suits him, I guess. But it was kind of hard to imagine someone like him, who wore three pairs of socks, to do anything illegal, so it didn't feel like we were doing anything wrong, do you understand?

(Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, then the other.)

The building was empty, with no sign of guards or anything. We entered through a pretty large hole in the fence surrounding it, and Beomgyu turned on a flashlight, handing me another. We went in through a broken door that was all the other way around, so it wasn't visible from the street.

It was pretty dark and scary inside, like those games that went viral a few years ago. I kept expecting a Zombie to pop out from somewhere.

Beomgyu climbed these unsteady stairs in the corner silently, so I followed. After nearly five flights, when I was about to give up, I saw Beomgyu open a heavy metal door, which surprisingly didn't make a sound.

When I asked him about it later, he said it was because he came here often. But right then, he just smiled and pulled me over, saying, "This is it."

I admit, first, the empty sky that stretched over our heads looked pretty unworthy of being called anything close to amazing. The cold wind howled across the building and there were patches of water all over the roof from where the snow had melted. It was so...lonely that I didn't feel like speaking.

Beomgyu carefully closed the door behind us and took out a blanket from his bag, which he spread right in the middle of the roof. He sat down, gesturing for me to do the same.

"Why are you smiling?" Beomgyu asked me.

"I'm just surprised at your practicality." 

"Oh," Beomgyu said, taking in the compliment like a feast, before he checked his watch, "It's 11:00," 

And he started talking. He told me all about his two older brothers, his parents, his germophobic mother, how he spent Christmas. I told him about mine too, but frankly, there wasn't much to tell.

He told me he had missed me. I told him that I missed him too. And there it was again, the heavy atmosphere, like at the arcade.

But Beomgyu turned away, pulling out the snacks. We ate and talked, again, about things I don't remember. It was mostly normal, casual stuff, but he has a way of making even the most trivial things special.

And we talked until we heard some pretty loud bangs that scared us both to death. Beomgyu said it was two minutes to the new year. Then we waited in tense silence. I glanced at my watch every few seconds, waiting...

The exact second the needle struck twelve, there was this...drop? The atmosphere changed so suddenly, like something loosened, coming crashing down. One second the sky was blank, and the next second it was filled with sparks.

So many colors. It was so bright like a million tiny suns had burst into flames in front of us. So many patterns, hexagons, and circles, and even whole words.

I've never been that into fireworks, I've never appreciated them, I think. I just thought they were pretty but seeing them over there, from that rooftop...it was so much more beautiful than I thought it could be.

I turned to Beomgyu, and I saw my thoughts mirrored on his face. He was smiling, and…

You may think you've seen someone at their best, at their most beautiful, but there's something about seeing a face light up in every color possible on the roof of a building you just broke into on New Years, that just hits differently.

(Soobin doesn't miss the way Beomgyu's cheeks turn pink as he reads this.)

I told him, "Thank you so much, Beomgyu-yah, this is…"

And he turned to me and smiled, and I think my heart exploded, turning into a thousand bright pieces like the fireworks in front of me.

My face might have changed, because he asked, "Are you alright?"

And though it was painful, I looked straight into his eyes, asking, "Would you mind if I…"

He looked so eager to hear my question, diary, I felt my face burn. But I had to say it.

"Would you mind if-if I kissed you?"

He looked at me like he couldn't believe what I had just said, his eyes widened to the point where I could see the full circle of his iris, but then he closed his eyes and said-wait, no-he sighed, whispering, "Please do."

And well, we kissed. Although there wasn't much skin-to-skin contact, because we were so covered up, his breath was warm on my face. And his lips are so, so soft.

(Beomgyu's cheeks darkened, and Soobin just barely shoved down the urge to tease him about it.)

If you think we kissed once, well suffice it to say, we didn't. It was only when he pulled back, laughing, that I stopped, because, I swear, I could have kissed him all night.

"What's so funny?" I asked when he kept giggling.

"I'm just so happy," He said, squeezing my arm like he does when he's excited, "I wanted to do that for so long, and now that I finally-"

"'So long'? What do you mean?"

He looked at me in that way he does, like he couldn't believe what I'd just said.

"I've liked you for such a long time! Since we...since we went to the movies together! Do you not remember?"

"You said...you said I could hold your hand, but-"

"Yes! And I kept waiting for you to give me a sign that you wanted to go further, but you seemed so tense around me."

"That was because I liked you!"

"Then why didn't you say anything? You could have saved us so much time and confusion!"

"I just wanted to make sure you felt the same."

"And it wasn't obvious?"

"I'm not that good at picking up non-verbal cues! I can't figure out what people mean when they're vague!"

"You have no nunchi at all." He shook his head. "Try figuring out what I mean by this." And he kissed me again.

We left nearly three hours after we had come when there were almost no more big fireworks. But there were still bangs and maybe the occasional glint of color against the sky.

We were so giddy, we giggled like children all the way back.

I don't know what people thought when they looked at us, maybe they saw two warmly dressed boys, who might be a little drunk, judging from the redness of their cheeks, holding mittened hands, but everyone drinks at the new year, so nothing out of the ordinary.

But there's this ahjumma who likes to sit outside her house, chatting to passers-by, and she gave me such a smug, knowing smile, I wanted to disappear into the concrete. Not in shame. Not in embarrassment. But in happiness.

I wanted to float away. I felt light and weightless enough to do so. I could have, maybe, if Beomgyu's hand wasn't holding onto me so tightly, an anchor keeping me on Earth.

We reached my house, and Beomgyu started to say goodbye, but I didn't want to spend a second away from him. So I said that since it was so late, why not stay over at my house for the night?

He looked at me, eyebrows raised, "Isn't that very sudden? But if you insist."

As I stumbled over my explanation, he laughed again, saying he was just teasing.

He's outside, sleeping on the couch. We argued over who should take the bed, with him saying he would rather sleep on the floor than turn me out, but I said he was the guest, so he should sleep on the bed. He won the game of Rock, paper, scissors; and of course, he had to take the couch.

But I didn't let him sleep in the same clothes, I gave him mine! He looked at the T-shirt and trousers I tossed at him like they were gifts.

I found out another thing. He looks even tinier than usual in my clothes. (Beomgyu nudged Soobin with his elbow) And he...I don't know, there's something so intimate about seeing someone else wear your clothes. I wanted to pounce on him and wrap him between my arms and legs and never let go. But alas, I had to make do with a few kisses.

It's so much better here. I've lived in this house for a few years, but it feels so much more like home with him here.

I can't believe it. I literally kissed Choi Beomgyu, and now he's sleeping in my house. And he likes me back? I want to cry.

Later, 3:00 a.m.

Does he talk during sleep? I mean, I think I just heard him call out for his mom? Wow, cute.

5:30 a.m.

I can't sleep, my thoughts are a mess. I just had an idea to write-

(Soobin slammed the book shut, startling Beomgyu, saying, "I think that's enough.")

-  
"I'm sorry, sir," Beomgyu looked grave, voice lowered to the satoori accent that leaves Soobin weak at the knees, "Unfortunately, I've had to diagnose you with a serious case of having fallen in love. With me."

Soobin giggled despite himself, "Oh no, doctor! Is there any treatment?"

"There might be, but I don't want to give it to you. Because, you see," Beomgyu leaned closer, placing a hand on his chest, "I'm in love with you too."

"Doesn't that go against ethics? Withholding medical treatment from someone due to personal reasons?" Soobin let himself be pushed down, Beomgyu moving closer to straddle his thighs.

"Talking like that won't help you. I might have to resort to more...extreme measures that would make your illness worse." Beomgyu's fingers toyed with the collar of his shirt, stroking the familiar line from the hollow of the collarbone to the chin.

"What extreme measures?" Soobin's breath catches when Beomgyu's fingers start to caress his face.

"You don't understand, do you?" His voice is now silky, his hips pressing down into Soobin's, and it sends tremors through Soobin's body when he brings his lips to his ear, "I'll just need to show you what I mean, then."

He interlaces their fingers, and Soobin feels his heart burst. He turns his head to catch Beomgyu's lips and smiles into the kiss. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Intrusive thoughts. 
> 
> This chapter might not be for everyone to read, because, at one point, Beomgyu has intrusive thoughts about his body. If you are sensitive around that topic but wish to read the rest of the chapter, I’ve added a (Sensitive content start), so you can skip over it. Please, stay healthy and safe!

—

Something was wrong. 

Soobin didn’t smile back at Beomgyu when he entered the living room, just nodded absent-mindedly, muttering, “Hello.” 

He sat down, eyebrows furrowed, and spent a lot of time looking distracted, not paying attention to either Beomgyu or the television. 

Quite a few times, he looked like he was on the verge of speaking, but didn’t say anything. 

Beomgyu was worried. 

“Soobin?” 

“Hm?” 

“Are you alright?” 

Soobin finally looked directly at him, and then sighed, bringing his hands up to rub his eyes, “Sorry...I’m just…” 

Beomgyu waited for him to speak. 

“My parents want me to go back,” 

“What?” 

“There’s some things they need to settle, something about inheritance,” Soobin’s posture drooped, “They need me to be present.” 

“You’re going to Ansan?” 

“Yes.” 

“When?” 

Soobin looked pained as he said it, “Tomorrow.” 

Beomgyu had reached out to touch Soobin’s arm, brushing nothing off his shoulder, “How long do you need to be away?” 

“A few days, at least.” 

“It’ll be fine.” Beomgyu reassured, more for Soobin's sake than his own, “We can spend a few days apart from each other. We’ll be fine.” 

“I don’t want to go back.” 

“Hey,” Beomgyu took his hand, rubbing it with his thumb in the way Soobin liked, “I know you don’t want to, but you’ll need to do it. You can do it. I know you can.” 

“I don’t like my family.” 

“I don’t like them either. Let’s bond in our mutual dislike.” 

Soobin didn’t reply to that, just smiled sadly. 

Beomgyu leaned his head on Soobin’s shoulder, looking up at Soobin with his best puppy eyes, until Soobin finally caught on, ruffling Beomgyu’s hair and kissing his forehead. 

“I’m right here, okay?” Beomgyu put his arms around Soobin, “You’ll be back here before you know it.” 

“Okay…” 

“Besides," Beomgyu sounded like he was trying to find any tiny thing that would make it easier for Soobin, "It’s not like we can’t talk. We live in the era of communication.” 

“Mhm.” Soobin had drifted off in thought again.

“Hey,” Beomgyu’s fingers closed around Soobin’s chin, forcing him to make eye contact, “Stop being sad.” 

“If only it were that easy.” 

Beomgyu reached out to brush Soobin’s hair off his forehead, “How can I help make the sadness go away?” 

Soobin thought for a second, and then pulled Beomgyu into his lap, burying his face in the familiar-smelling hair, “Just stay like this.” 

—  
Beomgyu woke up to an empty bed. 

Outside, he could hear Soobin walking around, probably making breakfast. Still, it was a few minutes before Beomgyu found the energy to get up. 

The big red suitcase by the door immediately caught his attention, being the only foreign thing in the room.

Soobin was leaving. 

They had spent a lot of time last night packing and carefully folding away clothes. It was tiring work, and Soobin spent a lot of time stressing over his choice of clothes because the attire he would need was a lot different than what he usually wore. 

“Do you think this sweater looks formal? I don’t know...What about this? Which is better? I think...I’ll just pack both, who knows…” 

Beomgyu had also insisted Soobin take his favorite plushie. Maybe two. Maybe—”Alright, alright, just two!” 

(The suitcase had ended up bulging so much that Beomgyu had had to sit on it so Soobin could zip it closed.)

Beomgyu glanced at the clock as he wore his slippers. It was almost ten.

—  
The kitchen smelt good. Beomgyu could hear Soobin humming some song as he was frying eggs, from the sound of the oil.

Careful not to make a sound, he padded across the room, and gave Soobin a surprise back hug, pressing his cheek to his spine. 

Soobin flinched involuntarily, before relaxing into his touch, “Oh, you’re awake?” 

“Mhm.” He could hear Soobin’s heartbeat. 

“Gyu.” 

“Hm?” 

“I can’t move my arms.” 

“So?” 

“I’ll burn the eggs.” 

“Burn them.” 

“But I don’t want to.” 

“You don’t want my hugs? You like eggs more?” 

“Yes. Now free me.” 

Beomgyu dropped his arms, pouting, and went to sit at the table. 

He didn’t look up when Soobin slid a plate full of food and a cup of green tea in front of him, though his breakfast  
look amazing. 

“Gyu.” 

He didn’t look up. 

“Hey.” Soobin kissed the top of his head, “Why are you sad?” 

“You said you don’t like my hugs.” 

“I lied.” 

Beomgyu froze, then stood up abruptly, pushing his chair back, and hugged Soobin. After an initial moment of shock, Soobin hugged him back, rubbing his shoulders. 

“Gyu.” 

“Hm?” 

“Food’s getting cold.” 

“Let it.” 

Soobin sighed, “I’m not having this conversation again.” 

Beomgyu tightened his grip for a second, and then let go.

“Ouch.” Soobin rubbed his arms, “I think my blood stopped circulating.” 

“Sorry.” Beomgyu sat down again, pulling his plate closer. 

“You’re so aggressive,” Soobin said, moving to his chair, watching Beomgyu begin to part his yolk from the whites.

“Mhm.” 

“Like a puppy.” 

Beomgyu gave him a stop-talking-and-let-me-eat look. 

“I’ll miss you.” 

Beomgyu swallowed, and drank half of his tea before responding, “You’ll probably be so busy that you’ll have no time to think of me.” 

“I hope not,” Soobin said, almost wistfully, separating his yolk from the whites.

Wordlessly, they swapped. (Beomgyu liked the yolks, and Soobin liked the whites. It was customary that when they had breakfast, they would exchange the parts of their eggs.) 

—

They stood in the corridor, Soobin, looking sharp in a tailored suit, one hand on the handle of his suitcase; Beomgyu, still in his pajamas, arms crossed on his chest, looking across at each other. 

“What are we doing?” Soobin asked.

“I don’t know,” Beomgyu admitted, beginning to giggle.

“This feels like a scene from a drama,” They said simultaneously, and laughed together. 

“Is this really goodbye?” Beomgyu said, dramatically laying a hand on Soobin’s cheek. 

Soobin did that weird thing where you turn your face slightly and kiss the palm of whoever’s hand is on your cheek, and said, “It hurts me to say it, but yes, my love.” 

“Nooooooo,” Beomgyu said, putting his arms around Soobin, “How will I live without you?”

“You’ll have to try your best.” Soobin put up a hand to press Beomgyu’s head into his chest, and Beomgyu began fake-crying, “You can’t leave meee.” 

“I’m so sorry,” Soobin whispered in his hair; and it didn’t sound exaggerated enough for Beomgyu to reply.

They stayed like that for several seconds, Beomgyu balling up Soobin's shirt in his fist, until the doorbell clanged loudly through the house, startling them apart. 

“I think I should…” Soobin disentangled himself from Beomgyu, and dragged his suitcase to the door, and went out, Beomgyu on his heels. 

The sunlight was bright. It hurt Beomgyu’s eyes, and as he blinked repeatedly, he heard Soobin exchange a few words with the driver.

As the driver wheeled over the suitcases to the trunk, Soobin stopped and then turned around to walk back to the gate. 

“What?” Beomgyu asked, surprised at the determined expression on Soobin’s face. 

“I forgot to do something,” Soobin said when he got close enough, and cupping Beomgyu’s face, kissed him firmly. 

It was cut short by the excessively loud crash of the trunk closing as the driver coughed loudly, and Soobin rested his forehead against Beomgyu’s for a few seconds after, eyes closed. 

“I’ll be back.” He promised. 

And he gave him another kiss, a feather-light one, before he stepped back, saying, “Bye.” 

“Bye.” 

When Soobin got to the open car door, he smiled, waving at Beomgyu—who raised his own hand in reply—and sat down inside. 

Beomgyu watched, amused, as Soobin stuck his head out of the window, still waving goodbye at him excitedly as the car sped down the street, taking Soobin farther and farther away from their house. 

And further away from Beomgyu.  
—

On that first day, Beomgyu came home to an empty house, nothing out of the usual. He changed his clothes and went to the living room, stretching out lazily over the sofa as the television turned on. 

He lay there for a lot of time. When he finally felt like he should see how late it had gotten, his body reassured him that it hadn't been that much time; Soobin wasn't home yet. 

His phone, however, showed that nearly two hours had passed. 

Beomgyu sat up, eyes widening. He didn’t realize it had been so long, it was nearly nine o clock. 

No matter what his body may think, his stomach was on schedule, demanding food. Beomgyu decided to order food online (since it wasn't like he would cook just for himself anyway), and almost ordered for two people. 

He checked his messages to see if Soobin had sent him any. There were none, except the "I've arrived", which Soobin had sent in the afternoon. 

Beomgyu turned back to the TV, flipping channels to see if any dramas were playing. 

When the doorbell rang, Beomgyu almost didn't get up, but his stomach hurt, so he grabbed his wallet and went to the door. 

"Delivery for Mr. Choi Beomgyu." A voice said over the intercom. Beomgyu opened the door to see a boy in his late teens holding the large paper bag containing food out to him. 

Something about the boy reminded him of Soobin. Maybe it was his height, maybe it was his shyness, but Beomgyu felt an unexpected wave of sadness as he tipped him heavily, and remembered to say "Thank you," before he closed the door. 

He walked back to the living room (there was no way he would eat alone at the kitchen table), noted how the house had a strange, quietened quality to it, despite the TV; and put the paper bag on the coffee table. He flicked through the channels until he found a re-run of a popular drama, and then reached for his phone. 

Perhaps it was silly of him to think Soobin would message him in the short time since he had last checked. Beomgyu knew he was probably busy, but he couldn't resist sending an "It feels lonely here without you" message to Soobin, along with a quick selca of him alone with his food at the small table, and a few emojis of hearts breaking. 

Beomgyu ate his food, watched the drama, and then sat there till his alarm rang, telling him it was 10 pm, time to take a shower.

He stood up and stretched, picking up the now-empty containers of food to toss into the trash and closing the TV.

—  
Drying his hair on his own after taking a shower was something Beomgyu had nearly forgotten how to do. Almost always, Soobin had been there to do it, and Beomgyu didn't like doing it on his own.

As he placed the hairdryer back into the drawer, Beomgyu remembered his phone and went to the living room to retrieve it. He didn't open it till he was back in bed, wrapped in blankets with the air conditioner running.

To his surprise, Soobin had sent a reply.

Beomgyu felt relieved, somehow feeling a bit better that he wasn't the only person feeling like this. The bed felt too big and cold without Soobin. It didn't feel right. 

Beomgyu thought for a moment before typing back,” Try to sleep well, okay? But not too well, or I'll get jealous.”

A few minutes later, the reply came, "I'll make sure to sleep VERY well, then." 

Beomgyu smiled, typing back, "If you find that you like sleeping without me, be sure to let me know so that we can start sleeping apart." 

"I will. Promise." 

Beomgyu wanted to reply, but he saw that Soobin was still typing. 

And then it appeared on his screen, "I love you." 

"The number of times you've told me, I'm pretty sure I know that very well. I love you too." 

Soobin sent him hearts, and Beomgyu giggled out loud, before sending, "But go to sleep now, okay? You don't want to be tired later." 

"Aw, but I wanted to talk to you." 

"Wait till you get back. Now sleep!" 

"So fierce. My tiger." 

Soobin said nothing more, so Beomgyu typed out, "Good night." 

"Good night," Soobin replied. 

Beomgyu closed his phone, placing it on the bedside table. He pulled Soobin's pillow down and wrapped his arms around it. It smelled like Soobin’s shampoo. Beomgyu inhaled deeply and fell asleep with his arms around it, pressing it into his chest. 

—  
Waking up without Soobin was strange. Beomgyu was almost sure that the bed had the same trace of warmth, and he had to listen hard to make sure he didn’t hear Soobin going about his daily ways and means. 

He lay in bed after shutting off his alarm, not wanting to move.

Still, he knew he must, and he sent Soobin a "Good morning!" message before he pushed himself up.

The house did feel too empty, and it was eerily quiet. Beomgyu didn't like it. 

—

Beomgyu sipped his drink, one of his favorite Thursday specials at this café, mind somewhere far away, as two of his friends bickered about something, their drinks lying forgotten on the table in front of them.

"What do you think, Beomgyu Hyung?" 

That snapped him out of his reverie, "What?"

"See?" Hueningkai said to Taehyun, "He's not even listening. That's how boring and stupid our argument is." 

"Hyung," Taehyun said, ignoring Huening Kai, "Do you think that twenty-three plushies are too many for one bed? Be honest." 

"What?" Beomgyu sipped, pretending to think, "It depends on the person, I guess." 

Hueningkai gave Taehyun a what-did-I-tell-you look. 

"But Hyung," Taehyun said, "Is it ethical to have that many plushies, especially if another person doesn't like it?" 

"Why are you talking about this? What happened? 

"Well, you see," Huening Kai leaned forward, while Taehyun used the lull in conversation to take a sip, "So we were sleeping together, and  
kept saying that having so many plushies wasn't good!" 

"I never said that. I said there was too little space on the bed for two people." 

"But you guys have separate beds, though?" 

"Obviously," Hueningkai said, both of them suddenly trying not to blush, "But sometimes we sleep together." 

Beomgyu shook his head, "Then just remove some of the plushies those times?" 

There was silence. On Taehyun's part, it was one of someone wondering how they didn't think of that solution before, and on Hueningkai's part, it was more of someone confused. 

"But...but…" Huening Kai bit his lip, trying to think of an objection to that, "Where do I put the plushies?" 

"On the vacant bed?" 

There was silence again. 

"I can't believe you guys were fighting about that." 

They didn't say anything in reply, just sipped in awkward silence.

Beomgyu sighed, mind wandering off again.

He was starting to miss Soobin. It had been two days since he left, and now his absence was beginning to bother Beomgyu.

“Let’s go to an arcade.” Beomgyu offered, a while later. 

“Arcade?” Hueningkai said, finishing his drink.  
“Yeah, the one we went to last time,” Beomgyu looked at Taehyun, “Are you on board?” 

“It’s been a while since we did something fun together,” Taehyun said, and that meant “yes”. 

Thirty minutes later, they were playing rock, paper, scissors to see who would play the dual-player dance-battle game.

Hueningkai and Taehyun won, and Beomgyu leaned against a wall as he watched them. 

The other two laughed together, all previous hostility that the disagreement might have caused vanishing. Beomgyu watched as Hueningkai stumbled, and how Taehyun’s hand automatically reached out to steady him. The look of momentary worry in Taehyun’s eyes was all too familiar. 

The way the two of them behaved made Beomgyu a bit jealous. He wanted to behave like that too. He wanted someone to look at him with that much worry too. He wanted to laugh so easily in someone else's presence too. 

Beomgyu wished Soobin was there with him. 

—

Coming home from work on a Friday was always something Beomgyu liked—it meant he would be spending the next two days with Soobin. But when he returned to his house, the happiness faded. 

He kept a better grip on time that day and ordered and ate food before 9, (though he did almost order for two people again.)

Soobin sent him a message in the morning, "Good morning to you too!", and an "I don't like it here," in the afternoon. 

Beomgyu watched a bit of a movie before he messaged Soobin, "Did you eat?"

The reply came after ten minutes, "Yes! Did you?" 

Beomgyu sent him an "I just finished. Did you know there are good dramas running?" 

"There's always good dramas running." 

Beomgyu smiled, "That's true." 

And he hesitated, but typed out, "This house feels weird without you." 

Soobin typed for a long time, and then erased his message and typed it out again. The message he ended up sending was, "I'm sorry." 

"Why? It's not your fault. You needed to go." 

"Yes, but I still feel guilty." 

"What should I do tomorrow? I have no ideas." Beomgyu asked, changing the subject.

"Enjoy your time without me?" Soobin answered, and then sent a more serious, "You can hang out with Taehyun and Hyuka." 

"Good thinking," Beomgyu sent, but at the moment he didn't want to spend time with his friends. He wanted to spend time with Soobin. Already, he missed Soobin's presence.

"How long do you need to stay there?" 

"At least three or four days more." 

Beomgyu sent him a crying emoji. 

"I'll be back, Gyu. Don't get too sad." 

"If you say so." 

"It's 10 pm. Aren't you going to take a shower?" 

"You're right! I forgot!" 

But all the same, he couldn't resist sending, "I don't like drying my hair by myself." before he cleared up and headed to the bathroom. 

—  
Back in bed, his hair dry, the air conditioner running, and swathed in blankets, Beomgyu opened his phone. 

"But you do dry your hair, right?" 

"If I find out you've been sleeping with wet hair, I'll fly over to Seoul right now." 

Beomgyu replied with, "Is that all it'll take? Then I'll make sure to keep my hair wet." 

Beomgyu thought before adding, "Of course I dry my hair, idiot. I don't want to get sick without you here to take care of me." 

Soobin replied after a few minutes, "You really do love me a lot, don't you?" 

Beomgyu raised an eyebrow as he typed, "Yes, I do. No need to rub it in." 

Soobin sent him a gif of a cat hugging another cat, with hearts around the border.

"But you're a rabbit," Beomgyu said. 

"I never said I was IN the gif, weirdo. And I'm human." 

"You're my little rabbit." 

"No. I’m not little, and I'm not a rabbit." 

"Small, fluffy, cuddly rabbit." 

"Then you're a bear?" 

"I guess." 

"Bear and rabbit. A very odd combination." 

A very cursed image passed through Beomgyu's mind.

"Don't word it like that. I just had a weird thought." 

"Ugh, you made ME think something weird." 

Beomgyu sent him a vomiting emoji. 

"Beomgyu?" 

"What?" 

"Sleep." 

"You first." 

"Let's have a race. Whoever falls asleep fastest wins." 

"You shouldn't have said that. Zzzzz." 

Beomgyu put his phone away and hugged Soobin's pillow, the familiar smell comforting, and soon drifted off to sleep. 

—  
Waking up was dispiriting. He usually woke up in Soobin's arms on the weekends, and not feeling the curve of Soobin's arm around his waist and Soobin's chest pressed to his back was—and still is—something Beomgyu disliked. 

He lay in bed until his curiosity got the better of him, and reached for his phone. 

It was nearly ten o'clock, but Beomgyu saw the notification of a new message before the time.

"Good morning!" Soobin had sent, twenty minutes ago, with a heart at the end. 

"It's not a good morning if you aren't there," Beomgyu said in reply, and then got up, going to the kitchen to drink a glass of water.

He felt too depressed to go out. He felt too depressed to do anything, really, but he forced himself to wash his face and brush his teeth, and then eat breakfast. 

Still in his pajamas, Beomgyu wandered through the house, searching for something to do. His body seemed confused. 

He decided to practice guitar a little and made his way to the living room, (he felt weirdly drawn to it [his body was waiting for Soobin to come home]), and opened his laptop to download sheet music. 

Time passed, Beomgyu got increasingly bored and soon he was distracted by his laptop, the guitar abandoned. 

In the end, Beomgyu ended up compromising, doing his work when he was bored with practicing and practicing when bored with work. He spent a lot of time alternating, and by the end of three hours he could play those particularly tricky chords perfectly, he finished two songs he meant to next week and had started on a new one. He barely noticed the way his hands ached.

Somehow he found himself playing a few chords of the chorus of one of the songs Soobin had recently composed, 'Dying flower". 

The lyrics were written from the point of view of a love that once blossomed into a beautiful flower under care, but after a while, both people started to neglect the flower, and so their relationship began to flounder. 

It was a sad song, a ballad almost, and Beomgyu couldn't help but wonder what he would do if that happened to him and Soobin. He wondered who would most likely begin the neglect, and thought that it would probably be him; he couldn't imagine Soobin doing anything like that. 

He imagined a Beomgyu who looked and sounded just like him cruelly refusing Soobin's love, hitting him a bit too hard for it to be entirely playful, and saying terrible, terrible things to his beloved.

The very thought of Soobin being treated like that, even by Beomgyu himself, brought a sour taste to his mouth, and his hand tightened around the scroll. He would not let anyone do that to Soobin. Ever. 

And suddenly a wave of worry hit him. How was Soobin doing? Was he alright? Was he happy? Was he being treated well?

Beomgyu put his guitar away before going to the bedroom, throwing himself across the bed to reach his phone.

There were new messages, and Beomgyu opened the phone in haste. 

"Have a mediocre morning, then." 

"Gyu, did you eat breakfast?" 

Beomgyu sighed in relief. Soobin was alive and well enough to use his phone to send messages.

I did eat breakfast, and then I practiced. How's your day going? 

I miss you a lot more than yesterday, Soobin-ah. I feel lonely.

The small ticks at the bottom corner indicated his message was sent, but Soobin was probably too busy to check his phone.

Beomgyu sighed again. Messaging Soobin like this—and not being able to see him whenever he wanted—reminded him of when they first started dating, and could only see each other when they had free time.

He realized he should probably check on his plants, and he felt very dehydrated himself.

Beomgyu drank his water, and likewise, the plants drank theirs, falling out of the small watering-can Beomgyu held above them. 

After finishing taking care of the plants (his annuals had new shoots, and his perennials needed dead-heading), Beomgyu went back to the living room, phone in hand. 

He plopped down and turned on the TV for background noise. There were two new messages! The excitement was nostalgic—reminding him of the days when they had just begun dating—and so was waiting for a reply. 

"My day is going fine, not good or bad. It's really tiring here." 

"I need to ask you to do me a favor." 

Beomgyu replied as fast as his fingers could type, "What is it?" 

Soobin replied after a few minutes, "I need you to be strong for a little while more. I'll be back soon. Don't worry."

"I really do want to see your face…" 

"Do you want to facetime me later? I'll be free when I go to bed, around ten." 

"Okay," Beomgyu replied, with a thumbs-up emoji.

And then he puts the phone down, falling back against the cushions staring at the ceiling, feeling the distant ache in his heart intensify.

—  
Beomgyu took his shower at record speed and was too impatient to dry his hair properly. When his hair was just barely not positively dripping, he put the hairdryer down on the bedside table and reached for his phone. 

There was a message from Soobin, sent just two minutes ago, "Are you there?" 

Beomgyu replied, "Yes!" 

A minute later, he got a notification. 

Beomgyu pressed accept, sitting back against the pillowed headboard. 

It took a few seconds for the call to connect, and then Soobin appeared, lying in an unfamiliar bed.

"Hi!" They both said at the same time. 

Beomgyu smiled, "How are you?" 

"I'm fine. Just a bit tired." 

"Are they mistreating you?" 

"No, not yet" Soobin gave a hollow laugh, "How's your day going?" 

"I feel sad." 

"I feel sad too." 

For a beat, they stayed silent, watching each other. But it's not an awkward silence, as though they can't think of anything to say. It's the silence of two people who have a lot of thoughts they can't express verbally but have learned to express them through another medium; two people who know that some things you need to communicate differently.

"What did you do today?" Soobin asked.

"I woke up, ate breakfast, practiced, did some work, watered the plants, ate lunch, watched TV, ate dinner, watched a bit of TV again, and then showered." Beomgyu listed them off.

"You haven't dried your hair properly, I can see," Soobin said, fondly. 

"Ah, I wanted to talk to you." 

"You'll get sick." 

"But I want to talk to you." Beomgyu pouted. 

"You can do both." Soobin pointed out.

Beomgyu sighed, picking up the hairdryer and switching it on. 

"There." Beomgyu said over the sound, "Happy?" 

Soobin smiled, "I'm sooooo happy."

Beomgyu dried his hair, more carefully this time, letting the phone drop into his lap, screen-side-up, when he needed to use his other hand. 

"You know," Beomgyu said, after finishing and putting the hairdryer back on the bedside table, "I don't know how to do this. Maybe you should be here to do it for me." 

"I wish I could." Soobin's voice was sad.

"Where are you right now?" 

"In my old bedroom." After a pause, Soobin added, "I haven't grown any taller than when I was eighteen." 

"So you've been a giant for that long." 

Soobin smiled again, "I think so." 

"What happened, today?" 

"Nothing much. We talked, but it felt like we were going around in circles. We couldn't agree on anything. Man, I hate being here." 

"No progress?" 

"No progress."

They stay silent for a while more, just watching each other. Beomgyu noticed that Soobin had prominent dark circles, and he looked tired.

"Can we sleep like this?" Beomgyu asked.

"While face-timing each other?" 

"Yeah." 

"Okay, hold on." 

The camera went a bit shaky. Beomgyu picked up one of the smaller pillows and leaned the phone against it, and then turned on the air conditioner.

Soobin's face came back into view, but this time he was lying down, so it was sideways. 

"Can you see me?" Beomgyu asked, moving back into the view of the camera.

"Move down a bit, your face is cropped out. A bit more…yes, that's fine." 

Beomgyu pulled his blanket up to his chin, "It feels weird, sleeping without you." 

"I know, right?" 

"I feel lonely." 

"I'm right here, Gyu." 

"I guess that'll have to do." 

"For the time being." 

There was another pause, and Soobin stifled a yawn, "Go to sleep, okay? I love you." 

"I love you too." Beomgyu said, "Good night." 

"Good night."

(In his dreams, Beomgyu saw Soobin walking away from him, through a mist. He caught up to him, holding his hand, and the warmth of Soobin's touch was so real that Beomgyu smiled in his sleep, hand curling around air.) 

—  
That morning, when he woke up, Beomgyu's phone screen had turned off. He opened it to see that Soobin disconnected the facetime around 40 minutes ago. There were messages.

"Beomgyu, I had some work to do so I got up early." 

"Sorry I disconnected the call, but here's a bit of my love to make it up!" 

"Have a good morning!" 

Beomgyu closed his eyes, turning around to hug his (read: Soobin's) pillow. 

It took him a while to drag himself out of bed, to force himself to brush his teeth and wash his face. Beomgyu couldn't bring himself to eat breakfast, so he just gloomily wandered around the house, opening the fridge to stare into its depths, walking from room to room. 

He practiced guitar some more, but the sound didn't feel right. He wasn't in the mood to practice at all.

Turning on the TV, he tried to watch the weekend special family shows, but they seemed too scripted, the jokes not funny. Beomgyu flicked through the channels half-heartedly, watching something for a minute or two, before getting bored. 

Beomgyu was sad. 

He couldn't sit on the sofa without thinking of how he and Soobin sat together. He couldn't go to the kitchen without thinking how they ate breakfast here together, he couldn't help remembering all the times Soobin picked him up and put him down on the counter to kiss him 

He couldn't walk to the bedroom without thinking of how, every day, he fell asleep in Soobin's arms and woke up next to him.

Although it had only been a few days since they last saw each other, every single part of him missed Soobin, and he felt the pain in his bones, a dull emptiness in his chest that throbbed to an irregular rhythm, right next to his heart. 

Beomgyu missed Soobin's smile. He missed Soobin's hugs. He missed kissing him. He missed being together.

Beomgyu missed Soobin. 

—  
After eating ramen in the afternoon, Beomgyu started cleaning the house. He didn't know why he started doing it, but he remembered wiping his sleeve against a window to clear away some dust, wondering how it was so dirty, and before he knew it he was deep cleaning the whole house. 

He dusted the windows, washed the sofa covers, washed all the dishes, took out the trash, wiped down the TV, cleaned the lights and fans. 

No matter how much work he did, there was always more. He rearranged the spices in the cabinets, oiled the hinges of every door, cleaned under the microwave and the fridge, shined the bathtub to a sparkle, cleaned the windows' glass until no streaks were visible, and wiped the knobs of the stove. 

The cleaning made him feel better. It made him feel like he'd accomplished something. Beomgyu hummed as he cleaned, his mood better than previously. Cleaning gave him something to do other than just mope around. 

He spent the entire day cleaning, not paying attention to the darkening sky, only stopping when his stomach growled angrily for food. Beomgyu felt like showering, but he made himself ramen again. 

(Sensitive content start, 1) 

As he's finishing his second bowl, Beomgyu suddenly found the thought of eating food repulsive. He lost his appetite, chewing the slippery strands of noodles. Beomgyu felt gross when he swallowed.

He looked down at his body, the dirt and grime on his skin mingling with the sweat, and the uncomfortable sensation of filling his stomach with so much food so quickly. 

The intrusive thoughts came in: 

Beomgyu tuned those thoughts out, humming to fill in the deafening silence of the house around him, and half-ran to take a shower, willing himself not to cry.

(Sensitive content 1: End)  
—

It's still early when he pulled on his pajamas and dried his hair, just after 9 o'clock. 

Beomgyu wondered what to do, and ended up buried in a cocoon of blankets, the feeling comforting as he scrolled through his phone. It got too hot after a while, so he turned on the air conditioner.

Right as he was in the middle of an ASMR video marathon, his phone dinged with a message from Soobin. 

"How was your day?" 

Beomgyu replied immediately. 

"I did nothing much. Just lazed around." 

"Can we talk?" 

"Give me twenty minutes." 

"Okay." 

Almost twenty-three minutes later, (Beomgyu didn't count,  
), his phone screen showed an incoming facetime. 

"Hello!" Soobin said, bright and cheery, and Beomgyu felt guilty, almost, for feeling sad. 

"Hi." Beomgyu's voice came out much quieter than usual. 

"What's wrong?" Soobin asks, concernedly.

Beomgyu felt even more guilty for being the reason Soobin's smile fell from his face so fast. 

(Sensitive content start, 2)

"I'm just...I don't know…" 

"What happened?" 

"Nothing.” At the sight of Soobin’s raised eyebrows, he added, “Well, I cleaned up the house, and…" 

"And you thought something bad?" 

"Yes." 

"Can I know what it was?" 

"I just…" His eyes stung, and he had to blink away the quickly-forming "I felt so dirty...I felt so gross when I thought about it, and…" 

Beomgyu didn't say anymore, fearing his voice might break. 

"Gyu," Soobin said, carefully, after a moment’s silence, "You took your shower, right? You're clean. There's nothing unclean on your skin anymore." 

"I know but I just...I just…" 

"You're the cleanest person I've ever met, Gyu. You're not dirty at all." 

There was a pause as Beomgyu tried to calm himself down.

"You're right." Beomgyu said, taking deep breaths, "You're right. I'm not dirty. I'm clean. Right, Soobin?" 

"Absolutely." 

"There's no need to worry. I'm fine." 

"You're fine," Soobin affirmed. 

(Sensitive content: End)

There was silence for a while. 

"So what did you do today?" Beomgyu said, partially to keep his thoughts at bay.

"Well. I went around the city again, and so much has changed. There are playgrounds where there weren't, and new buildings in the place of old. It's changed." 

"Did anything happen?" 

"Oh, yeah, I think we're almost at a solution. Everyone's more willing to compromise, I think they've realized that being stubborn will waste too much time. But still, it might be a few more days before we agree on a final answer."

“Well, hurry up. It already feels like months since I last saw you.” 

“...You’re looking at me right now.” 

“But I can’t touch you.” 

“Good point.” 

Taking his shower early really made him feel a lot sleepier than normal.

“Let’s sleep already. I’m tired.”

“Okay.” 

—  
Another day, another time he woke to an empty bed. 

Beomgyu woke up to his phone turned off again, and Soobin had disconnected the call around half an hour ago. 

Same old, same old. 

Today was Monday, which meant work. Beomgyu remembered he had dance training today. Which meant less time working for the same amount of work. Which meant he needed to leave early. He stumbled out of bed immediately, though he would’ve liked to just curl up in his blankets some more.

Halfway through brushing his teeth, Beomgyu realized he had completed the songs he needed to over the weekend. So he didn’t need to hurry at all.

Much more leisurely now, he walked to the kitchen, made himself breakfast, ate, washed the dishes, and marveled at how clean everything was. It had a calming effect on him, he felt much more at ease. 

The air still smelled of antiseptic, so Beomgyu opened all the windows. Out of them all, only one’s hinges squeaked, he noticed. 

He picked up his bag, throwing his ‘dance’ clothes, as Soobin liked to call them, into it, and left the house with it slung over his shoulder. 

—  
“Wow, Hyung,” One of the boys remarked when they sat down for a well-deserved break, “Your dancing is so powerful today. It’s like you’re putting all your emotions into it today.” 

Everyone else chimed in, agreeing. 

Beomgyu smiled, albeit a bit sadly. 

he thought, looking at the fluorescent lights,  
—  
Beomgyu came home in better spirits than the last few days. He’d realized that even though every minute was another minute away from Soobin, it was also another minute closer to Soobin’s return.  
The house didn’t smell of antiseptic anymore, Beomgyu noted. Everything felt better. He was clean, the house was clean, everything was fine. 

It could be better if Soobin was here, though—but he would return, no doubt, no doubt. 

—  
“Hellooooooo!” Beomgyu said, the second the facetime connected. 

Soobin smiled. 

(“And I think I might come home on Wednesday or Thursday, Gyu!”) 

—  
One week since Soobin had been driven away from him. One whole week. 

Beomgyu was doing better than he’d thought. He was almost getting used to not having Soobin around. 

Or maybe he was getting better at distracting himself from noticing Soobin’s absence. 

—  
“Tomorrow!” Soobin said before Beomgyu even opened his mouth to say hello. 

“What?” 

“I’m coming home tomorrow!” 

Beomgyu did a little whoop of excitement, clapping his hands, “Are you done with all the work?” 

“Yes. There’s only a few more legal documents to sign tomorrow, and then I’m free!” 

Beomgyu squeezed a pillow as he would have done Soobin’s arm, “I wish I could hug you right now.” 

“Just wait till tomorrow. I’ll be back around this time.” 

—  
A little while more, a little while more.  
Beomgyu repeated it as a mantra of sorts to get him through the day. 

He had choreography lessons again that day, and once again he was told that his dancing was very “emotional, the movements speak to you,”. 

A little while more, just a bit more. 

He came home in a daze, and everything felt strange. Anticipation filled his body, and his impatience made it hard for him to do anything. 

Then, around 9:30, a message!

Almost an hour then. Just a bit more time to go. 

Beomgyu thought that as he stepped into the shower.

—  
“I’m almost home!” 

The message had been sent seven minutes ago. 

Beomgyu sat there on the cold floor, legs crossed, as he faced the door. 

Just a few more minutes. He would be here soon. Just a little while more. 

—  
The door opened, and Soobin stepped in, and he could only mutter a muffled, "Oomph," as Beomgyu rushed into him, hugging him so tightly that the breath was knocked from his lungs. 

Soobin reached blindly around him, one arm tightening around Beomgyu, and the other pulling the red suitcase in behind him before he closed the door.

A few seconds later, Soobin's hands were at Beomgyu’s sides, lifting him.

Wrapping his legs firmly around Soobin's waist, Beomgyu put his arms around Soobin's neck. Soobin readjusted so the majority of Beomgyu's weight rested against the wall, one hand at the back of Beomgyu's head, and one on the curve of his waist.

And then they kissed until they were both breathless.

They were frantic, at first, delirious, because they had five days of kissing to make up for, pausing only for a few seconds to breathe in enough oxygen that they didn't faint.

Beomgyu whimpered into Soobin's mouth when the hand at the hem of his shirt pushed the material back to stroke bare skin. Soobin had missed him, and he wanted to make up for all the opportunities he had missed to touch Beomgyu in the past days. 

Under his peacoat, Soobin’s skin was cold from the Seoul night air. His hair was cold, his hands on Beomgyu’s skin were cold. He smelled of cold, polluted Seoul air; and fresh, expensive cologne. 

Beomgyu was dressed as he always was when Soobin came home, in whatever clothes he found most comfortable to wear; and he smelled familiar—everything from his shampoo to the laundry detergent was familiar. And Beomgyu was warm; his skin was warm, his breath was warm, the way he looked at Soobin was filled with warmth.

Minutes passed with them still as ravenous and wild in their kissing. Beomgyu wanted Soobin so, so badly, and he wasn’t letting go till he’d had his fill of him.

During the times they paused to catch their breath, Soobin nuzzled Beomgyu's neck and pressed his cheek against it. The first time he did this, Beomgyu shivered, giggling, "Your face is cold," and he had cupped Soobin's cold face with his hands to warm it.

Soobin's hand kneaded Beomgyu's back, rubbing small circles, tracing patterns as he stroked up and down.

It's almost like magic; the way physical touches can communicate things in the same way as words, the way they can express feelings in a way words can't. 

Soobin's hand on the back of Beomgyu's head, preventing it from getting jostled was "I don't want to you to get hurt," Beomgyu's arms around Soobin were "I want you to be close to me," and the way their lips found each other again and again was, "I love you," "I missed you so much," and a million other things that are impossible to express in any language, except the language of love. 

—  
Eventually, though, they slowed down, kisses getting less and less frenziedly fraught with passion, and more and more sweet.

During one break, Beomgyu saw that despite having been kissing them a few seconds ago, Soobin was still hungrily looking at his lips. 

The thought made him blush, and he turned his head away, smiling. 

Soobin, his own cheeks flushed, demanded, "What?" 

"It's just that…right now," Beomgyu turned a darker shade of pink, "you were looking at me so intensely, and...and…" 

But Soobin didn't hear the rest. Beomgyu's hair was tousled under his hand, his cheeks slowly turning the same color as his kiss-reddened lips, and his eyes were so, so bright.

Soobin wondered how he could never have noticed just how beautiful Beomgyu was. 

And he didn't think anymore, just leaned forward to kiss him again. 

—  
The gaps started getting wider and wider as time passed; they used them to calm themselves down. Soobin closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against Beomgyu's as they tried to catch their breath. 

Beomgyu unexpectedly pulled him into a hug, and Soobin felt his heart beating wildly against his chest. Beomgyu probably felt it too. 

He turned his head to kiss Beomgyu again. He was so, so happy. 

A few minutes later, Beomgyu sighed contentedly into Soobin's shoulder. 

Soobin kissed him all over his face, and he kissed Beomgyu's neck in a few places too. 

And then he leaned back so they could just stare at each other, drinking in each other's presence. 

It was one of those rare (and welcome) times when Beomgyu was at Soobin's eye-level. Usually, the only times this happened was if Beomgyu stood on his tip-toes (though even then Soobin is a bit taller), if Beomgyu was standing on something elevated, or if they were lying down, facing each other. 

“Hi.” Soobin blurted out. 

“Hi...”

They blushed and giggled like they were shy, awkward teenagers again. 

"I missed you," Soobin said abruptly, without really thinking, and Beomgyu laughed, making him smile.

"I missed you too." 

("How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved.")

He would have stayed like this for longer, but the clothes were starting to feel uncomfortably hot on Soobin's body, and he's still wearing shoes. 

Beomgyu understood, slowly untangling his legs as Soobin lowered him to solid ground. When Soobin was sure that Beomgyu's knees wouldn't give way, he relaxed his grip on his shoulders. 

Humming, Beomgyu unwrapped Soobin's scarf with practiced, quick movements, (Soobin taking the opportunity to kiss his forehead) and then he went to put the garment away, a skip in his step. 

Soobin crouched down to remove his shoes, but Beomgyu returned, asking if he could do it instead. 

Sitting with his back against the wall, Soobin watched as Beomgyu untied those pesky laces. Beomgyu's hair was messed up, his shirt was wrinkled, and Soobin felt the need to pull the younger into his embrace and never let go. 

Beomgyu lifted one shoe off, placing it to the side, and began to work on the second. 

"If staying away from you makes you act like this, then I think I should do so regularly," Soobin said. 

"But you just got back. Are you leaving me alone again so soon?"

"No, I missed you too much. Now if we could find some way of staying together while still doing this…"

"Staying away from me messed up your brain, huh?" Beomgyu asked, his smile evident in his voice, as he finally dragged the second shoe off. 

"I think it did." Soobin said, "So I guess I'll need to stay near you to remain sane."

Beomgyu lifted the right foot into his lap and began rubbing the soles of Soobin's feet, (Soobin all but shivers in pleasure), "You're just making up excuses to be with me." 

"If that's what it takes. I'll do anything to be with you." 

Beomgyu got shy at his words, dipping his head a little lower so Soobin couldn't see his flaming cheeks. 

"How was your trip?" Beomgyu asked because he wanted to listen to Soobin's voice, pressing into a particularly painful spot right above the arch of his foot, making Soobin groan. 

"It was—ouch!—it was okay. I'll spare you the boring details. At first, I thought we—ow— we would not agree, but everything turned out fine at the end." 

Beomgyu listened attentively, attacking Soobin's heel with his palm. 

"And there was nothing—watch it!—nothing of great event, except two days ago when we...well, it was really my sister who finally worked out a solution to the prob—careful!—the problem." 

Beomgyu began on the other foot, and Soobin couldn't help the feeling of fondness that rose in his heart. 

"Hey, Gyu?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Can I say something you probably won't like?"

Beomgyu looked at him, concerned, "Is it something serious?" 

"Well, it's a pretty...harmless statement, but you might not like it." 

"Go on." 

"You…" (Of course, he would get shy here), "Nothing personal, but this…this kind of feels like you're my wife or something." 

Beomgyu blinked in disbelief. 

"Gross, Soobin. You don't even like women." 

Soobin laughed, finally pulling Beomgyu into his arms, the weight on his lap comfortable, familiar, "I do like women,* but right now, I only like you." 

"That's a relief," Beomgyu said sarcastically, muffled against Soobin's chest. 

Soobin hugged Beomgyu. Everything was all right; Beomgyu was back in his arms, and he was back in Beomgyu's arms. He would have liked to die like this, feeling this peaceful. 

"Wait," Beomgyu said, after a few seconds, "Did you just indirectly propose to me?" 

"Maybe," Soobin said vaguely. 

Beomgyu didn't say anything in reply, and Soobin wondered why. 

"I'm kidding, Gyu. When I propose, I'll do it correctly. I'll be direct." 

"Seems like you have a plan already." 

"How do you know I don't?" 

Again, Beomgyu didn't answer. 

"What're you thinking?" Soobin asked out of curiosity, after a while.

"Oh," Beomgyu suddenly felt the need to hide his face again (and again his words were muffled into Soobin's chest), "I was just imagining what it would be like." 

"What would be like what?" 

"How being married to you would feel like." 

"Oh." was all Soobin could think to say. 

His head was suddenly filled to the brim with thoughts of Beomgyu. As his husband, wearing a ring, hearing Beomgyu say he wants to spend his life with Soobin. (Soobin's heart did a little '!')

"I hope it's not too different from this." Soobin said matter-of-factly, after a while "It feels nice like this." 

Beomgyu hummed in agreement, and then he began to take off Soobin's coat. 

Soobin raised his arms to let Beomgyu remove it, and then he got up and followed him out of the corridor. 

"Do you want to drink?" Beomgyu asked, as he hung the coat up in the closet, and pulled out a bottle of soju as Soobin went to change into more comfortable clothing.

The night progressed as they sat together on the sofa in their living room, watching TV and sipping alcohol.

Soobin had them sipping water, and he tried to keep Beomgyu from getting too drunk, but his resolve died down when Beomgyu pouted, his accent getting increasingly satoori, as he held up a finger, "Please, just one more glass? Just one? Please? Please Soobin?" 

A while later, Beomgyu got too emotional at a breakup scene in a drama, cursing at the male lead, ranting angrily that the female lead deserved better, and Soobin had to remind him that it isn't real. 

When both of their cheeks were tingling from the alcohol, Soobin finally suggested they go to bed, and Beomgyu hugged him suddenly, saying, "But I don't want to go away from you." 

Slightly drunk himself, Soobin told him, nonplussed, that he would be on the bed too, and Beomgyu said, "Oh." 

But he didn’t loosen his grip. 

When Soobin asked why, Beomgyu said, pronunciation slurred, "You'll go away again." 

"I'm right here." 

"But you might go." There was a trace of panic in his voice.

"I won't." 

"But you might!" 

And then, inexplicably, Beomgyu started crying; quiet sobs racking his shoulders as he held onto Soobin for dear life. 

"Gyu, don't be ridiculous." The words came out sharper than Soobin meant, so he added in a softer voice, "I really don't want to leave you. I don't like not being with you." 

Still, it took a few minutes and multiple reassurances from Soobin for Beomgyu to stop crying. And he still didn't let go of Soobin.

"Gyu, I need to close the TV." 

"No." Beomgyu pressed his face into Soobin's arm.

"Do you know how much electricity is wasted because of people not pulling the plug out on their TVs? So many fossil fuels are burnt every day." And to emphasize how serious it was, he added, "People burn the dead bodies of dinosaurs. Do you want to be the reason people burn dinosaurs?" *

Beomgyu shook his head, aghast.

"Then let me go." 

He sulked for all of the eight seconds it took for Soobin to cross the room to pull the plug out, and then Beomgyu immediately melted when Soobin hugged him. 

"Can we go to bed?" Soobin asked, gently.

This time, Beomgyu complied but insisted that they hold hands the whole way to the bedroom. Soobin didn't protest at all. 

Inside, they lay down, and Soobin kissed Beomgyu's flushed cheeks again and again, which sent the latter into a fit of giggles as Soobin smiled on, hoping he would never get sober from the drunkenness of love.

And the day was suddenly too tiring, his trip and walking and coming home. All Soobin wanted now was to fall asleep with Beomgyu next to him (finally).

And he did. 

(And sometime during sleep, Beomgyu scooted closer, snuggling into his arm.) 

{Chapter ain't over yet peeps.} 

Bonus! 

-  
Waking up next to Beomgyu is something Soobin has always taken for granted. He never realized that one day he might have to wake up without him. 

So today, in the dim light that manages to come through the curtains, Soobin doesn't get up as he usually does, springing out of bed to go make breakfast or get ready. 

Today, he just watches Beomgyu sleep. 

Sometime during the night, Beomgyu had moved a bit farther away, his arm curved next to Soobin's. Their hands are almost touching, and Soobin decides to go ahead and hold hands. 

Beomgyu's eyelashes are still, and Soobin watches his chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm as he breathes. His expression is unguarded and vulnerable, lips slightly apart. 

Soobin traces patterns up his arm, and Beomgyu reaches out in his sleep, eyebrows furrowing, to brush away whatever is annoying him. 

Soobin holds his other hand too, and Beomgyu doesn't resist, nor does he react when Soobin lets it go. 

Beomgyu's shirt has ridden up in his sleep, exposing a narrow strip of skin. Soobin touches it, poking Beomgyu in the side.

Beomgyu moves away, pushing his shirt down and turning to the other side, so his back faces Soobin instead. 

Soobin moves closer, putting an arm over Beomgyu's waist, and holding one of Beomgyu's hands.

Even in sleep, Beomgyu recognizes his touch and shifts back, back pressing into Soobin's chest. 

Soobin lets him sleep, occasionally bothering him by tickling his ribs, trailing kisses under his jaw, or pressing his lips to that sensitive spot under his ear. Beomgyu grumbles, sometimes saying a half-hearted, sleepy, "Don't," but he doesn't wake up. 

"You're cute." Soobin whispers. 

Beomgyu makes a sound that is the verbal equivalent of "????" 

"The cutest." Soobin continues. 

Beomgyu mushes his cheek into the pillow. 

"My sleepy baby." Soobin coos. 

"'M not." 

"Yes, you are." 

Beomgyu doesn't reply to that. 

Soobin presses kisses into his shoulder, and Beomgyu drifts into consciousness long enough to say, "What are you…?" before he goes back to sleep. 

After giving him a few minutes' peace, Soobin carefully turns Beomgyu so he faces him again. 

"You're pretty." Soobin begins again. 

"Shh," Beomgyu says. 

"I will not 'shh'," 

Beomgyu hums tunelessly in acknowledgment.

Soobin touches Beomgyu's cheek, and then brings a finger to rest on his lips, feeling his warm breath. 

"I want to kiss you." 

Beomgyu says nothing. 

"I'm going to kiss you." 

Beomgyu hums again, neither agreeing nor disagreeing.

Soobin leans forward and softly kisses his cheek, trying to put as much love into it as he can.

No reaction. 

Soobin kisses the spot between Beomgyu's eyebrows. 

Beomgyu frowns. 

Soobin kisses the tip of his nose. 

Beomgyu's eyes open, and he and Soobin look at each other. 

Soobin is so close he could count Beomgyu's eyelashes, and he wonders how Beomgyu will react. He feels a hand push him back slightly, creating distance between them, and then Beomgyu is pressing his face against his chest. 

"Let me sleep," Beomgyu says, tangling one of his legs with Soobin's. 

Soobin complies, but all the same presses a final kiss to the top of Beomgyu's head, "As you wish."

-


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I powerwrote this on one molecule of serotonin and well...eat your crumbs, children. it took mommy a long time to find them for you. 
> 
> hAvE yOu dRuNk WaTeR tOdAy?

A lot of people like calling their loved ones by pet names, honey, sweetie, cutie, and so forth. Beomgyu and Soobin didn't use these, unless they were being sarcastic, preferring a shortened version of their names, "Gyu," "Bin-ah," or even a simple (o Beomgyu's part), "Hyung,"

But during times they experienced exceptional feelings of emotion, they did tend to unconsciously call the other something they usually didn't. 

Once, Beomgyu had yelped in pain as his hand accidentally brushed against a pot that was too hot.

Soobin had been at his side in a second, pulling him over to the sink, and turning on the cold water, and "Be more careful next time, love,"

Another time, when Beomgyu was considering attempting to do some gymnastics to get down something from the top of the cupboard, Soobin took it off for him, saying, "Don't strain yourself, love,"

Call him a sap, but Beomgyu felt this insane rush of warmth whenever he was called "Love," and he couldn't explain it. 

Maybe it was the fact that he was being labeled the object of someone's love, or maybe it was the tenderness with which Soobin said it, or maybe it was because on every occasion he said it, Beomgyu was already flustered, and therefore more vulnerable.

Or maybe it was all of that combined. 

  
  
  
  
  


Korean dramas are very addictive, something every single human being knows, either from first-hand experience or from hearing people talk about them. 

Itaewon class is one such drama, the sort of drama you absolutely must watch, even if only to keep up-to-date with the trends. 

After taking his shower and getting his hair dried, Beomgyu usually goes straight to sleep. But this drama means he needs to stay up at least two hours later than normal, and that  means he’ll be so sleepy that he won’t understand what happens in the last ten minutes of each episode, nodding off on Soobin’s shoulder. 

Soobin wakes him up when the episode finishes, so they can go to sleep. Beomgyu is always so tired, so sleepy, and “Why would you wake me up?”, as well as “I don’t wanna waaalllkk.” 

One day, somewhere around the middle of the season, Beomgyu decided he didn’t care anymore. He was going to go to sleep, and he was an adult, and Soobin’s shoulder was warm and…and...

-

“Gyu,” When Beomgyu didn’t respond, Soobin shook him, “Time for bed.” 

“Mm?” Beomgyu said, blinking his eyes open and then falling on the cushions with a dull thud, legs bent at an awkward angle.

Soobin got up, shut off the TV, and kneeled in front of him, “Beomgyu.” 

No answer. 

“Beomgyu.” 

Said person scrunched his eyes shut tighter, as though that would help block out the sound.

“BEOMGYU!” 

“What?” 

“You can’t sleep out here.” 

“Yes, I can.” He straightened his legs out into a more comfortable position to prove his point.

“But it’s-” 

“-Shh.” 

Soobin stared at him, exasperated. 

“Get up,” He touched Beomgyu’s shoulder, “You’re sleeping on the bed. With me.” 

“I don’t wanna move,” 

“You want to sleep out here?” 

There was some incomprehensible muttering on Beomgyu’s part. Then he reached out and patted Soobin’s cheek in an offhand way, “G’night.”

“Gyu,” Soobin said, “Do I need to pick you up?” 

“Pick...up?” 

“Yes,” Soobin said, “Should I pick you up?” 

“Let me sleep,” Beomgyu said instead of answering, shifting to turn around onto his side. 

-

Beomgyu was warm. It was comfortable here. The sofa was an okay place to sleep. 

He had almost completely drifted off when he felt something move into the space beneath the curve of his neck. It felt almost like it was...Soobin’s arm. 

_ Weird,  Beomgyu thought, half asleep,  Why’s something like Soobin’s arm under my neck? _

Something else that felt similar to the thing that felt similar to Soobin’s arm moved into the space beneath his knees. 

_What’s happening? Beomgyu wondered,_ why _are there now two of them? Soobin has two arms? I thought he-_

And then he felt himself being lifted into the air. 

_ That  _ snapped him out of his stupor. 

-

Well. 

Soobin hadn’t anticipated this. 

He thought he would just quietly pick up his darling, taking care not to disturb his oh-so-precious sleep, and gently put him down on their bed. 

He thought wrong. Because now Beomgyu had his collar of his shirt clenched into a ball in hand so tightly that Soobin couldn’t breathe. 

“Gyu-” He managed to choke out. 

Beomgyu released the wad of fabric, and immediately gripped another, just a few inches below. 

“What-the-hell-do-you-think-you’re-doing?” He said through gritted teeth. 

__

“Carrying you to bed?” 

Beomgyu glared at him, thought the effect was somewhat ruined by the sleep-ridden eyes that he couldn’t fully open yet (and adorably kept blinking). 

“Come on, Gyu,” Soobin said, “Let go of my shirt. I can’t breathe properly.” 

“No.” The grip tightened. 

“Why not?” 

Beomgyu gulped, swallowing his pride, and turned his eyes down to look at the floor, “I’ll fall.” 

“I won’t let you.” 

The grip didn’t loosen. 

“Hey,” Soobin said, with perhaps a little annoyance, because standing stationary like this was starting to tire him out, “If you need to, put your arms around me.” 

Beomgyu huffed, but complied, reluctantly letting go of Soobin to place his arms around his neck.

“This is so embarrassing,” Beomgyu whispered, hiding his face in Soobin’s shirt. 

“None of this would’ve happened if you had just walked.” 

“Stop talking.” 

And Soobin did. 

On the way, as he stopped to switch the light off, Soobin noticed how every slight bounce or movement made Beomgyu move closer into him, burying his face a bit more into his shirt, holding onto him just a bit tighter. Hmm…

Beomgyu sighed in relief when they finally reached the goddamn bedroom. He was looking forward to sleeping. And to the end of this ordeal. 

Soobin stopped at the side of the bed, and for a second Beomgyu actually enjoyed the feel of being held like this, ear pressed to Soobin’s chest. Now that they weren’t moving, and there was a bed beneath him, Beomgyu felt a lot safer than-

A particularly violent (and very deliberate) bounce of Soobin’s arms had him screeching, arms tightening around Soobin as he held on for dear life, pressing himself as close as possible into him. 

With his face pressed into Soobin’s chest, Beomgyu felt him...shaking?

Wait.

“That wasn’t funny!” Beomgyu hissed, glaring up at him, “Stop laughing!” 

Soobin gave him one of those rare, sly looks of his, and Beomgyu’s brain went, “Nope, Nope, Not Doing This Again, Nope,” 

“Let me down,” Beomgyu said, trying to sound less miffed than he was. 

Soobin lowered him half-way and then made that odd jerky motion again. Beomgyu, better prepared this time, didn’t flinch as horribly, but his hand tightened involuntarily around the shirt it was still gripping. And he couldn’t help the small, irritated sound that escaped his lips. 

“I won’t ever talk to you again,” Beomgyu said, the second Soobin placed him down, and he pulled a pillow into his arms as he turned away. 

“Well, if you’d rather hug a pillow,” Soobin said, lying down and turning away himself. 

They lay there in silence for a while, backs to each other, before Beomgyu turned around, curling around Soobin’s body instead. 

“If you say anything I’ll poison your coffee in the morning.” He warned.

Soobin didn’t say anything, but he couldn’t help smiling. 

When he was sure Beomgyu was asleep, Soobin turned back to give him a forehead kiss, “Sleep well.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me three months, but I finally finished this in time for Christmas. Enjoy.

Soobin stood in the living room, facing the partly decorated Christmas tree, holding a box of various ornaments, mentally debating whether he should hang a glass ball that was a really obnoxious looking shade of orange.

Just when he had hung it on a lower branch (so it didn’t ruin the effect but also didn’t feel bad for not being hung up with the rest of the ornaments), Soobin heard a “Hey,”.

He turned, nearly colliding with Beomgyu, who was standing right behind him, holding something above their heads.

It took a few seconds for the pieces of the picture to come together in Soobin’s preoccupied mind. 

Beomgyu was holding mistletoe, looking up at him expectantly.

Rolling his eyes, Soobin tipped Beomgyu’s chin up and gave him a quick kiss, before turning back to the task at hand. 

-

Soobin, as Beomgyu had only recently found out, was quite popular with the ahjummas that resided in their neighborhood. He had infiltrated his way into their close-knit community using dimpled smiles and polite words and an eagerness to share recipes and food. 

So on occasions like these, Soobin used to bake a lot of things to share with them. In addition, Soobin frequented an elderly nursing home a few blocks away from where they lived. When Beomgyu asked why, Soobin said he'd once read that the elderly who lived in such facilities could go a week without talking to anyone, and he'd felt sad about that. So he visited as often as he could. 

Today, Soobin was baking around fifty cupcakes, some of which he would distribute between the neighborhood ahjummas and the rest he would give to the nursing home, to be shared among the residents.

-

When the timer on his phone went off, Soobin closed his book and got up. It had been thirty-five minutes since he’d put the second batch of cupcakes in the oven, and he was certain that—

Beomgyu conveniently picked that very moment to appear and block his way through the door by standing in front of it, holding mistletoe above his head again. 

He looked up at Soobin with those wide puppy eyes of his. Soobin paused only long enough to give him a quick peck before moving past him through the doorway.

-

“Soobin.”

“Hm?”

The lack of a reply made Soobin glance up from his book.

Beomgyu was sitting next to him on the sofa, legs curled underneath him. As Soobin had expected, he was holding yet another small bunch of mistletoe above his head.

“This is the fifth time you’ve done this today.” Soobin said, “if you want a kiss, you can just ask.”

Beomgyu pouted, lowering his arm dramatically.

“And just where are you getting all this mistletoe from?” 

In answer, Beomgyu turned his pockets inside out, and a higher amount than one would expect of leaves fell out of them onto the sofa. His expression turned so hopeful that Soobin sighed, closing his book, “Fine. come here.”

But before kissing Beomgyu, he said, “You’re cleaning up those leaves after this.”

(“Way to set the mood.”)

-

“Soobin,” Beomgyu began in a serious voice, “I love you, you know that, but…” He shook his head in despair, “Your frosting skills are terrible.“

Soobin gave him his best death glare from where he stood, leaning over the counter, piping bag in hand.

“What is that?” Beomgyu asked, coming over to stand beside him, gesturing to the ‘frosting’ on the cupcake Soobin was working on: a single, ridiculously tall peak of buttercream on the curved surface.

“I don’t know.” Soobin admitted, “Maybe it’s a representation of… of my artistic mind.”

“It looks horrible.” 

“Thank you very much.” Soobin handed him the bag, stepping aside, “Would you like to try?”

Beomgyu frowned at the sad little cupcake, before opening the cutlery drawer and taking out a butter knife.

“I think it’s weird,” Beomgyu began, picking up the cupcake and smoothing the frosting evenly over the entire surface, “That you’re so good at baking, but when you pick up a piping bag, all of that talent vanishes.”

“Baking cupcakes and frosting them are two very different things.”

"How did the ahjummas overlook your terrible frosting?"

"They know it's the taste that is what really matters."

"Presentation matters too." Beomgyu said, "At least, that's what the judges on MasterChef said."

Beomgyu picked up the bag, "Now pay attention." He said, before pressing the nozzle down, squeezed, lifted it off the surface with a twist of his wrist, and relaxed his grip to end the swirl, “See?”

Soobin hummed approvingly, "Show me again."

Beomgyu picked up a second cupcake, "Watch." He repeated the action, and a second, perfect swirl appeared.

“Why don’t you finish these—” Soobin indicated the rest of the cupcakes, “—since you’re so much better than I am at this, and I’ll just go relax?”

“Sure,” Beomgyu said, piping some frosting on the tip of his finger and putting it in his mouth, before making a face and remarking, “Not sweet enough.”

At the sight of Soobin’s raised eyebrows, he asked, finger still in his mouth, “What?”

“Give me that.” Soobin wrestled the piping bag from him, “Go. Wash your hands.”

“But they were clean!” Beomgyu protested, before huffing at Soobin’s unmoved face and going to the sink, turning on the tap. He scrubbed his hands with far more aggression than needed for the task, using much more of the liquid handwash than he normally would.

Beomgyu made a point by drying his hands on the front of Soobin’s apron instead of using a paper towel, and then held them up, saying, “See? All clean.”

Soobin handed over the bag, saying, “Don’t do that again.”

Beomgyu stuck his tongue out but didn’t push, picking up the next cupcake to frost, “Fine.”

“You know what?” Soobin leaned his hip against the counter, crossing his arms, “I think I'll supervise. Just to make sure nothing less than sanitary happens.”

“You don’t trust me?” Beomgyu said, huffing again, “I'm a man of my word.” 

“You’re barely even a man.”

“Your cupcakes are at stake here.” Beomgyu reminded casually.

“Resorting to blackmail, huh?” Soobin said, “It’s okay, I know you don’t have any other options.” 

Beomgyu began humming loudly in the middle of Soobin's sentence, pretending he had already forgotten about Soobin’s presence.

-

“Cookies!” Soobin called, oven-mittened hands holding a steaming tray. 

Beomgyu came running at full speed, skidding to a stop an uncomfortably small distance from Soobin, who protectively held the tray away in case he misjudged the force of his forward momentum. 

“They’re hot.” He warned. Beomgyu picked one up anyway and immediately dropped it back onto the tray with a low hiss.

“They’re delicious.” 

Soobin shook his head, “You haven’t even tasted them.” 

“I don’t need to.” 

Beomgyu picked the same cookie up again and did an odd juggling motion, delicately tossing it from one hand to the other to cool it down. 

“You could just wait.” 

“I don’t wait for anything.” Beomgyu popped it into his mouth, only to scrunch up his face as he realized the cookie was still a little too hot. 

“So impatient. And what did it get you? A burnt tongue.” 

“It also—” Beomgyu swallowed, “—got me a delicious cookie.” 

Soobin picked one up himself, nibbling at a corner, "How do they taste?" 

"Spicy." Beomgyu said, "But also sweet." 

"I added ginger to them." Soobin said, taking a delicate bite, "Is it overpowering?"

"No." Beomgyu said, "They taste good."

“I’m not letting you take any more,” Soobin said, seeing Beomgyu’s face turn greedy when he looked again at the tray, turning away.

“I want them.” 

“No.” 

“Just one?” Beomgyu held up a finger, lips in a slight pout, “As a taste test?”

Soobin put the tray down, pulling off his mittens, “No.” 

Beomgyu moved past him to take one anyway, starting a small kerfuffle, because Soobin wasn’t having any of that. It ended with Soobin holding both of Beomgyu’s wrists, Beomgyu’s legs against the lower cabinets. 

“I said no.” 

Beomgyu struggled, failing to release his wrists from Soobin’s hold, “I hate you.” 

“So be it.” 

“How long do you think you can thwart me?” Beomgyu struggled again, “You can’t stand here all day.” 

Soobin considered the truth of the words, before shaking his head, “How many kisses do you want in exchange for leaving these cookies alone?” 

“Ah, negotiation.” Beomgyu laughed, trying to sound evil. 

“Isn’t it called bribery?” 

“Whatever.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “How bold of you to assume your kisses could come close to comparing to this.” He nodded to the tray lying just out of reach. 

“I’ve been led to believe they can.” 

Beomgyu narrowed his eyes, “What idiot would even…” not noticing Soobin’s smile until it was too late.

“You did.'

Fortunately, Beomgyu was spared the need to think of a clever comeback because Soobin chose that moment to kiss him.

The kiss was great, Beomgyu thought, but right now he wanted something else more.

So a plot rapidly unfurled in his treacherous mind. The risks were high, but Beomgyu would do nearly anything for another one of those cookies.

He deepened the kiss. 

Initially, Soobin was confused, since this was just meant to be something short and playful, but he simply shrugged his shoulders and continued.

The plan worked. With Soobin distracted, the grip he had on Beomgyu’s hands loosened. 

Beomgyu cupped Soobin’s cheek with one hand, while the other sneaked across the countertop to the tray and picked up a warm cookie, carefully wrapping his fingers around it. 

And then he broke the kiss and took off, gleefully laughing the whole time.

Soobin stood, confused for several seconds, but soon he saw the missing cookie and connected the dots.

Well. 

Soobin let Beomgyu be. There was no point going after him now. 

He just sighed and opened the fridge, the cold air rushing out, pulling out the icing he had made earlier.

He would pay Beomgyu back for this, though, that was assured.

—

In the earliest hours of the evening, they sat together in front of the TV.

Soobin was engrossed in a book, while Beomgyu skimmed mindlessly through the channels, pausing briefly at a news channel reporting a “record-breaking” two feet of snow in Seoul, a rerun of an old season of ‘Running man!’, and at least twelve Christmas themed movies.

Bored out of his mind, Beomgyu got up and pulled the curtains back from the sliding glass door (which Soobin insisted on calling a ‘ sliding French patio door’). The sky was an odd color, grey tinged with the deepening pink of the sunset, and the snow outside had hardened.

He stood there for a moment, gazing outside until an idea hit him.

He turned to Soobin, “Hey.”

“Hm?”

“I want to play outside.”

“Then go?” Soobin didn’t even look up, busy reading, “And wear something warm.”

Beomgyu went and sat next to him again, “I want you to come too.“

“I’m in the middle of this.” Soobin nodded toward his book.

“You’ve read the entire book more than thrice.”

“But I’m on a good part.”

Beomgyu’s eyebrows furrowed as he debated how best to persuade Soobin, and then.

Then he pouted, looking very much like a kicked puppy, and tugged on Soobin’s sleeve.

Soobin raised his eyes to Beomgyu’s face, before sighing, “I’m on page 238, let me get to…” He skimmed forward to see where the chapter ended, “...246.”

“Okay,” Beomgyu said, snuggling up against his side.

-

Twenty minutes later, wearing clothes advisable for the sub-zero temperature outside, Beomgyu and Soobin were having a snowball fight under the deepening purple sky, their laughter punctuated with screeches.

It had started when Beomgyu had just...picked up a handful of snow and...splat! There it went.

So of course, Soobin had to hit him back, to make it even.

Then Beomgyu hit him one more time.

And again.

And again.

Until finally, when they were both breathless from the exertion (which took a shorter time than one would expect), Beomgyu gave up, holding his hands up in a gesture of surrender, “Peace.”

Soobin went over to make it official. Beomgyu held out a tired arm, offering his hand.

Soobin reached out and held it, but instead of shaking it, he pulled them both to the ground, arm under Beomgyu’s head, and kissed him firmly, relishing the surprised gasp that escaped Beomgyu’s lips.

The kiss was full of snow and ice and oh, Beomgyu’s face was cold, cold.

“Now we’re even,” Soobin said, as he finally pulled away.

“There’s snow in your hair,” Beomgyu remarked, giggling.

“There’s snow in your hair, too.” Soobin said, lying down on the frozen ground next to his boyfriend, and went on after a minute, “You know what that reminded me of?”

“What?”

“Our first kiss.”

“I don’t remember the part where we had a snow fight, but okay.”

Soobin looked across at him. When Beomgyu refused to meet his eyes, he hit his shoulder, “I hate you.”

“Then why’d you kiss me?”

“Shut up.”

“Hm.”

The sky was now a shade of violet, with an underlying orange tinge. Soft light streamed out through the sliding glass door to their living room, turning the snow it fell upon golden.

“Wait.” Soobin said, turning his head to meet Beomgyu’s eyes, “Why are we lying in the snow?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, face slightly pink, “It’s called spending time to—together.”

The stutter doesn’t go unnoticed on Soobin. “Are you cold?”

“No.”

“You seem cold.”

“I’m—I’m n—not.” Beomgyu insisted, trying and failing to keep his teeth from chattering.

“I’m very touched that you would put yourself in discomfort to spend time with me,” Soobin said, standing up, wincing at the feeling of the wet patches on his clothes where the snow had melted, “But we can spend time together inside too.” He held out a hand, “Come. We’ll get sick.”

Beomgyu grumbled, but he complied, taking Soobin’s mittened hand into his own and standing up. He didn’t let go of it as he followed Soobin to the warmth inside.

-

An hour later, curled up underneath a blanket in their pajamas, hands gripping mugs full of hot chocolate, Beomgyu leaned against Soobin as they watched an action movie (with barely any plot beyond villain bad, hero good, the villain gets defeated by the hero, city saved!), feeling at peace with the world and all that was in it.

“Are you sleepy?” Soobin asked when Beomgyu kept drifting off, eyes closed.

“No,” Beomgyu said, stifling a yawn.

“Liar.”

Beomgyu mumbled something about never having told a single lie in his life, but Soobin was too preoccupied with taking his mug from him to put it on the coffee table to listen.

Not even a full minute later, Beomgyu was out cold against his shoulder. Soobin thought that couldn’t be comfortable, so he moved his head to his lap.

Beomgyu woke up, a while later, when there was a loud explosion in the movie after the villain blew up a building. Soobin reached for the remote to lower the volume, “Sorry.”

“S’okay.” Beomgyu mumbled, turning to his side, “Don’t forget to wake me...wake me at twelve...”

-

“Gyu.” Soobin poked his shoulder, crouching in front of the sofa.

“Hm..?”

Soobin poked him again, watching Beomgyu’s eyebrows furrow in irritation. He leaned in to whisper at his ear, “Wake up, sleeping beauty. It’s midnight.”

“Wrong...fairytale,” Beomgyu said, voice thick with sleep.

“Hey,” Soobin said, poking him again.

“Do that again and I’ll cut off your fingers.”

“Really?” Soobin sounded wounded, “I’m just doing what you asked me to do.”

Beomgyu propped himself up on his elbows, resting his cheek on his hand. Soobin watched as he tried and failed to fend off the last vestiges of sleep, head drooping off the weakening support from his hand with comical slowness, before he snapped up momentarily, only for the cycle to repeat.

After a while, Beomgyu opened his eyes, blinking them repeatedly as he propped himself up on the sofa, legs tangled in the blanket they had been sharing. “What time is it?”

“It was 11:30, last time I checked.”

“I said to wake me at twelve.”

“It takes half an hour just to get you to open your eyes, though.”

“Hm...Fair.”

Bit by bit, the sleepiness ebbed away, though Beomgyu was still reluctant to open his eyes for too long.

Soobin sat down and rearranged the blanket more warmly around him, “Why do you need to stay awake?”

“‘Why?’” Beomgyu rested his head against the back of the sofa, “To see Santa.”

There was a few seconds of silence before Soobin coughed, “There’s something you should know—”

Beomgyu clamped a hand somewhere on Soobin’s face in the general vicinity of his mouth, meaning to silence him, “I've done this since I was a child. I won’t stop now.”

“But—” Soobin pulled Beomgyu’s hand down, “Why?”

“It’s always why with you.” Beomgyu said, stretching his limbs before quickly returning to the warmth of the blanket, “Mom and Dad used to let us stay awake past twelve, just this one night every year.” His voice took on a nostalgic tone, “We—my brothers and I—used to build a fort in our living room, and we would compete to see who could stay up long enough to see Santa,” He smiled, “No matter how hard we tried not to, we all used to fall asleep, and we always woke up sad that we’d missed Santa again.”

“But why continue after knowing that—”

“I’m not sure.” Beomgyu admitted, “To keep my childhood alive, I guess.”

“So it’s a tradition?”

“Of a sort.”

“How long do you plan to stay up tonight?”

“As long as I can.”

“Okay.” Soobin leaned closer and kissed his cheek, “I’ll get you some more hot chocolate.”

“Water, too.” Beomgyu said, “Please.”

-

So the night went on, Beomgyu alternating between sipping hot chocolate and water, Soobin reading next to him, the Christmas lights on the tree sparkling in the corner of his eye.

The TV was on but muted, as the late-night episodes of the popular comedy show they were watching had subtitles. That was something wonderful about Korean shows: even if you couldn’t hear or understand what was being said, you could more or less still keep up with what was happening.

Outside, somewhere, a church’s bells rang, choirs of children sang hymns, and light snow fell from the sky, powdering the earth in the same way that fine sugar is sieved over baked confectionaries.

Beomgyu’s mind drifted from the television to his family. How were they doing? Did his brothers still stay up like he was doing right now? Did they even remember these nights? Did his parents?

He felt a sudden rush of responsibility at the possibility that he was the only remaining family member who kept this tradition alive.

He missed his family, and he knew they missed him. But over the years, the ache had dulled.

He looked across at Soobin, who had closed his eyes for a minute, right hand laced in Beomgyu’s left.

Soobin was his family, too. Beomgyu loved him. And Soobin loved him back.

And that was enough for him. Yes, sitting here, curled up under a blanket on their sofa, Beomgyu looked across at the man he would one day marry, and realized that there was nothing more he could wish for.

His heart was content.

-

An hour later, Beomgyu was lounging on the sofa on his stomach, the blanket draped over his legs, scrolling through his phone.

Soobin had left a while ago, to make himself coffee and a microwaved mug cake for Beomgyu.

He appeared a short while later, balancing two steaming mugs and a small plate. One was red, Beomgyu’s favorite, while the other was blue. Still glued to his phone, Beomgyu reached for his mug with his free hand, holding it for a few seconds, enjoying the heat through the surface and the chocolate-scented steam that wafted from it.

Then he realized something. “Where’s the spoon?”

“Go get it yourself,” Soobin said, setting the plate on the coffee table. Beomgyu saw several of the cookies from earlier on it. He got up and left with a heavy sigh, as though the short walk would cost him something.

“How much sugar did you add?” He asked, sitting back down, spoon in hand.

Soobin was thumbing through his book, trying to find where he’d left it, “Two and a half spoons.”

“Thanks.”

(Beomgyu ended up stealing a few of the cookies, though he suspected that Soobin had brought far too many for himself alone)

-

“There’s nothing to doooo,” Beomgyu moaned a while later.

“Go wash your mug,” Soobin suggested, almost at the end of his book.

-

Beomgyu stood at the sink, mindlessly humming a carol as he soaped his mug up.

He felt a tap on his shoulder, and looked over it at Soobin, who said, “May I have this dance?”

Beomgyu made sure that Soobin saw him rolling his eyes, “Let me finish this first.”

“How long is it taking you to wash a single mug?”

“This isn’t just a mug.” Beomgyu said, caressing it comfortingly, “This is my favorite child, my reason to breathe, my one and only—”

He cut himself off, and said to the mug, “Don’t worry, darling, Soobin’s just jealous that I’m not paying him attention.”

Soobin huffed, “Am not.”

“See?” Beomgyu said, still speaking to the mug as he rinsed it out, lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, “He’s jealous.”

After placing the mug on the drying rack, Beomgyu turned, bumping into Soobin, who was still standing just behind him.

“Why are you—“

Soobin had an uncharacteristically smug expression on his face.

“Oh.” Beomgyu said, before getting confused, “Wait. Where did you get that?”

“Your pockets,” Soobin said.

Beomgyu gave a scandalized gasp, “When?”

“While you were asleep.”

Beomgyu sighed, hands coming to rest on Soobin’s shoulders, “I’ve had a bad influence on you. Stealing, Soobin, really?”

“It’s more like borrowing.” Soobin said, moving closer, “I’ll give them back later.”

“Don’t bother,” Beomgyu said. The distance between them was so small he only needed to whisper, “I have more than I need anyway.”

“Just as well.” Soobin whispered back, “I lied about returning them.”

“Lying, too?” Beomgyu sighed again, “And letting this conversation continue when you could just—“

Soobin leaned in to kiss him, cutting off his complaints.

-

“Ah,” Beomgyu began, voice cutting over the song playing at full volume from his phone on the table, in the middle of the second loop, “There really is nothing like slow dancing with someone in your pajamas in the living room at 3 am on Christmas night.”

“How specific.”

“That’s the punchline.” Beomgyu sighed, resting his forehead on Soobin’s shoulder.

In the semi-darkness, the room was lit solely by the lights on the Christmas tree, so many bright specks of color reflecting off the various ornaments. Almost like a multicolored disco ball.

Sometime later, when the song was beginning its fourth loop, they stopped moving and just stood there, Beomgyu’s cheek pressed into the curve of Soobin’s neck, Soobin’s hands on Beomgyu’s back, almost hugging but not quite.

By now, Soobin was very, very tired, despite the coffee, and the sudden lack of movement made him feel like he could close his eyes and fall asleep standing.

Beomgyu looked up at the change in his posture, smiling at the bruise-like purple stains under his eyelids (What a cute panda his boyfriend was), and leaned up to kiss him before taking his hands, saying, “Come. Let’s go to bed.”

“You said you would stay up.” Soobin reminded.

“Hm," Beomgyu said, picking up his phone and turning it off, before reaching for Soobin's hand as they left the room, "Maybe next year."

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos or a comment! My twitter is @whoevenamI_fr if you want to come yell at me! Remember to drink water! More chapters coming up in the future!


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